Re: [UUPoly-L] My husband is dumping me.

["Richard Keenan" <RiKeena1@wsc.edu>]

Your husband has decided to go and he is inventing reasons, even one that doesn't exist...he'll make them up.  This is a strong desire to leave...He's not likely to be rational or reasonable.  Accept the difficult idea that it is over with him.

>>> Penna MacDonald <pennamacdonald@yahoo.com> 11/14/2007 2:07 PM >>>

Hey, everyone,

Thanks so much for all the time and thought that so
many have put into writing back to me about my yucky
situation.  Things have gotten both better and worse
with me.  On the one hand, we are living day to day
with a little less tension.  On the other hand, when I
do actually try to talk his reasoning for wanting out
of the marriage gets more and more flimsy, such as
"the house is never clean enough" and "you just sit
around all day and don't play with Matty (our son). " 
I'm a stay-home mom, so somehow he must have thought
that keeping the house clean became totally my
responsibility.  That's weird, because when he was a
stay-home dad for the first year of our son's life he
certainly wasn't the only one who cooked and cleaned. 
And the idea that I don't spend time with my son is
ludicrous and insulting.  It is so painful for him to
insinuate that I'm doing a bad job at home because our
son is happy, healthy, smart, and funny.  But I'll
spare you the rest of the annoying details.

I just am shocked to look at this person and realize
that whoever I thought was in that body either wasn't
ever there or has left.  It hurts so much, but I have
found that I have about a zillion friends--people who
I don't even know, like you--who are supportive of me.
The weird part is that he's only complained about the
poly part once, but then of course quickly stopped
because I know he doesn't want to give up his
girlfriend.  (And of course many suspect that that's
why he's breaking up in the first place.)  Anyhoo....I
fear I'm becoming pretty boring by now.  Thanks so
much for taking the time to read and write and help me
think through things.  It has been immensely helpful.

Penna


--- K Morgan-Davie <kmorgandavie@gmail.com> wrote:

> Dear Penna,
> I hope you can hear this with the love that it's
> written.  His actions seem
> selfish because he IS selfish - as are most men for
> most of their lives.
> Many never grow out of it. Never, in fact, grow up. 
> It's possible that this
> could be the catalyst that ultimately causes him to
> mature, but I fear it's
> equally possible he'll "follow his bliss" to its
> predictable end.  Alan said
> it best - this NRE will wear off, and the new lover
> will get bored with him
> and cast him aside.  The only course I can see is to
> keep things open and
> remain engaged as best you can, *without allowing
> yourself to be used as a
> doormat!* Make sure he's not able to forget that you
> and his son are still
> around, and give it time.
>  Once my lover had abandoned me, it took me another
> couple months to realize
> that I had unfinished business with my ex-wife.  I
> went back (to upstate NY)
> to re-engage with her enough (through writing,
> mostly, and some getting
> together to talk and share and really work on where
> we were) to determine
> that I was right in that part, anyway - I couldn't
> be her husband.  But I
> learned in that process that I was actually seeing
> her and I and our
> relationship for what it really was, not for what I
> had seen through the NRE
> fog!  Once that clears, then, and only then, can he
> make a decision to live
> with. He won't believe that now, but it's true.
>  I do wish you the very best.  It's a horrible place
> to be, when you can see
> the reasons why, and all he can see is the reasons
> why not. But time is the
> tonic.  Make as much of it as you can.
> Blessings - Keith
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> -- 
> "Scarcity , or the appearance of scarcity, is the
> ultimate weapon. And so if
> we are convinced that the supply of love is finite,
> we can be manipulated to
> any means, because we will do anything for love.  We
> will even hate."
> 



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