Re: [UUPoly-L] Penna, I've been there

[Trisha LeChat <giselle-trisha@hotmail.com>]

Penna and others,
 
I think ALL people who are involved in a poly relationship have to have some degree of love and caring for each other, even if they are not all "in love" with each other, and it seems to me that your husband's new girlfriend does not have that love and caring if she is pressuring him to be exclusive to her.  
 
My heart goes out to you in your time of stress.  Look to your friends for support and realize that you will grow from this experience.  Be true to yourself and true unconditional love will find you.
 
 
 
 
 
> From: 2tammy@rogers.com> To: uupoly-l@uupa.org> Date: Wed, 14 Nov 2007 15:31:24 -0500> Subject: [UUPoly-L] Penna, I've been there> > I tried to be poly with a basically mono man. As soon as he got into NRE,> the marriage was history. Sure, I kept on for over two years, hoping he> would come back to his senses -- but essentially, he had to devalue me in> order to love another, and couldn't REvalue me after that. Some people just> aren't cut out for poly. They don't seem to be able to love more than one> at once.> > I suspect you should be looking at Plan B... how you and your son will go on> without him. Even if you don't choose to leave right now, try to set up> your head so that you can manage without him -- that means loving yourself A> LOT, and not looking to him for recognition. You're not going to get it> from there. He has to demonize you to make his behaviour acceptable, since> he doesn't really believe he can love two at once. In other words, he has> to devalue you to give himself permission to love her.> > That was my experience, in any case. Feel free to write me offline if you> wish.> > Tammy> 2tammy@rogers.com> > > -----Original Message-----> From: uupoly-l-bounces+2tammy=rogers.com@uupa.org> [mailto:uupoly-l-bounces+2tammy=rogers.com@uupa.org] On Behalf Of Penna> MacDonald> Sent: Wednesday, November 14, 2007 3:07 PM> To: uupoly-l@uupa.org> Subject: [Bulk] Re: [UUPoly-L] My husband is dumping me.> > Hey, everyone,> > Thanks so much for all the time and thought that so> many have put into writing back to me about my yucky> situation. Things have gotten both better and worse> with me. On the one hand, we are living day to day> with a little less tension. On the other hand, when I> do actually try to talk his reasoning for wanting out> of the marriage gets more and more flimsy, such as> "the house is never clean enough" and "you just sit> around all day and don't play with Matty (our son). " > I'm a stay-home mom, so somehow he must have thought> that keeping the house clean became totally my> responsibility. That's weird, because when he was a> stay-home dad for the first year of our son's life he> certainly wasn't the only one who cooked and cleaned. > And the idea that I don't spend time with my son is> ludicrous and insulting. It is so painful for him to> insinuate that I'm doing a bad job at home because our> son is happy, healthy, smart, and funny. But I'll> spare you the rest of the annoying details.> > I just am shocked to look at this person and realize> that whoever I thought was in that body either wasn't> ever there or has left. It hurts so much, but I have> found that I have about a zillion friends--people who> I don't even know, like you--who are supportive of me.> The weird part is that he's only complained about the> poly part once, but then of course quickly stopped> because I know he doesn't want to give up his> girlfriend. (And of course many suspect that that's> why he's breaking up in the first place.) Anyhoo....I> fear I'm becoming pretty boring by now. Thanks so> much for taking the time to read and write and help me> think through things. It has been immensely helpful.> > Penna> > > --- K Morgan-Davie <kmorgandavie@gmail.com> wrote:> > > Dear Penna,> > I hope you can hear this with the love that it's> > written. His actions seem> > selfish because he IS selfish - as are most men for> > most of their lives.> > Many never grow out of it. Never, in fact, grow up. > > It's possible that this> > could be the catalyst that ultimately causes him to> > mature, but I fear it's> > equally possible he'll "follow his bliss" to its> > predictable end. Alan said> > it best - this NRE will wear off, and the new lover> > will get bored with him> > and cast him aside. The only course I can see is to> > keep things open and> > remain engaged as best you can, *without allowing> > yourself to be used as a> > doormat!* Make sure he's not able to forget that you> > and his son are still> > around, and give it time.> > Once my lover had abandoned me, it took me another> > couple months to realize> > that I had unfinished business with my ex-wife. I> > went back (to upstate NY)> > to re-engage with her enough (through writing,> > mostly, and some getting> > together to talk and share and really work on where> > we were) to determine> > that I was right in that part, anyway - I couldn't> > be her husband. But I> > learned in that process that I was actually seeing> > her and I and our> > relationship for what it really was, not for what I> > had seen through the NRE> > fog! Once that clears, then, and only then, can he> > make a decision to live> > with. He won't believe that now, but it's true.> > I do wish you the very best. It's a horrible place> > to be, when you can see> > the reasons why, and all he can see is the reasons> > why not. But time is the> > tonic. Make as much of it as you can.> > Blessings - Keith> > > > > > > > > > > > -- > > "Scarcity , or the appearance of scarcity, is the> > ultimate weapon. And so if> > we are convinced that the supply of love is finite,> > we can be manipulated to> > any means, because we will do anything for love. We> > will even hate."> > > > > > > ____________________________________________________________________________> ________> Be a better pen pal. > Text or chat with friends inside Yahoo! Mail. See how.> http://overview.mail.yahoo.com/> > _______________________________________________> The UUPoly-L mailing list has public archives.> Please keep that in mind when deciding how much to reveal about yourself.> UUPoly-L mailing list> UUPoly-L@uupa.org> http://www.uupa.org/mailman/listinfo/uupoly-l> > > _______________________________________________> The UUPoly-L mailing list has public archives.> Please keep that in mind when deciding how much to reveal about yourself.> UUPoly-L mailing list> UUPoly-L@uupa.org> http://www.uupa.org/mailman/listinfo/uupoly-l
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