Re: [UUPoly-L] My husband is dumping me.

[Anita Wagner <imapolygirl@yahoo.com>]

I, too, experienced this dynamic when, well before my poly days, my husband decided to leave our marriage.  He, too, had himself set on someone else, as it turned out.  In order to justify leaving me, he demonized me horribly.  It was terribly unfair, and none of it was even close to true.  He convinced himself I was having an affair with my boss, which I wasn't, not even close, and there was absolutely no reason to think I was.  But it fit the "case" he was building against me.  He accused me of being a bad mother to my daughter from my first marriage and said that if he'd had any legal standing, he'd have sought custody.  (He'd have had no real grounds if he had, BTW, and she turned out more than fine)   Accusing me of being an adulterer and a neglectful parent hit me in my most vulnerable spots, and was made all the worse by the fact this this man had never done anything remotely vicious to me, ever, up until that time.  

It was absolutely shocking and I felt like my world had turned totally upside down.  That was probably the most painful time of my life.  Until I stumbled upon polyamory almost ten years later, I avoided becoming emotionally involved, because I couldn't bear the thought of ever being exclusively at the mercy of someone I deeply love ever again.  It messes with your head, especially when you don't have other partners as sounding boards who can help with reality testing.  

So I sympathize - how someone who once professed to love another enough to marry them could end up being so vicious is still a puzzle to me, yet apparently this kind of BS rationalization is a common means to an end.  It's emotional cruelty and a hideous character flaw I hope none of us ever has to encounter again.  

On a lighter but related note, rationalization is a human tendency I've thought about a lot.  It seems obvious that some people can rationalize just about any behavior if they want something badly enough, and the reason I love the quote is it makes me laugh at how true it really is for all of us.  Everyone rationalizes to some extent, even if limited to fairly harmless forms.  

Michael (played by Jeff Goldblum): I don't know anyone who could get through the day without two or three juicy rationalizations. They're more important than sex. 

Sam Weber (played by Tom Berenger): Ah, come on. Nothing's more important than sex. 

Michael: Oh yeah? Ever gone a week without a rationalization? 

Reflectively,
Anita

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If you're uncomfortable about blacks, you're a racist; uncomfortable about Jews, you are an anti-semite; but today, if you're uncomfortable about sex, you're a civic leader. --- Dr. Marty Klein