Re: [UUPoly-L] My husband is dumping me -- and neuroscience

[Fritz Neumann <fritzcat66@yahoo.com>]

--- Anita Wagner <imapolygirl@yahoo.com> wrote:

> So I sympathize - how someone who once professed to love another enough to
> marry them could end up being so vicious is still a puzzle to me, yet
> apparently this kind of BS rationalization is a common means to an end.  It's
> emotional cruelty and a hideous character flaw I hope none of us ever has to
> encounter again.  
> 
> On a lighter but related note, rationalization is a human tendency I've
> thought about a lot.  It seems obvious that some people can rationalize just
> about any behavior if they want something badly enough, and the reason I love
> the quote is it makes me laugh at how true it really is for all of us. 
> Everyone rationalizes to some extent, even if limited to fairly harmless
> forms.  

Now Anita, if you had ever been to one of my presentations on neuroscience and
love, you would have a clearer understanding of why this happens!

A limerent brain is NOT one that is rational. In fact, fMRI studies show it to
be remarkably similar to the brain of someone suffering from OCD - so much so
that the limerent state, or being "in love" can probably best be described as a
form of temporary obsessive-compulsive disorder. The rational neo-cortex (and
that includes not just logic centers, but also emotion) has trouble making
sense of the signals that are flooding it from a much older, lower, and deeper
brain center: the reptile brain, especially the caudate nucleus. This is why
the mating instinct is not referred to as an emotion (emotions being
neo-cortical functions), but rather a drive.

For many members of species homo sapiens, the limerent flood of dopamine and
oxytocin/vasopressin is also accompanied by a LOWERING of serotonin,
emphasizing neediness. It's a neurotransmitter cocktail difficult to resist,
and in many the combination so ties the victim to the limerent object (the
other lover), that the tendency is towards exclusivity, at least for the
duration of the limerent chemical soup, up to 7 years.

As Tennov noted in the 70's, one clear symptom of limerence is, "A remarkable
ability to emphasize what is truly admirable in the limerent object and to
avoid dwelling on the negative or render it into another positive attribute." I
call this the, "Isn't it cute how he chews with his mouth open" effect. Yeah,
you may think it's cute NOW...

Well, even though Tennov didn't study it, I think clearly there is a flip side
to this effect, and that is, as much as the limerent object is being elevated,
to simultaneously minimize and suppress any "contenders". I think we've all
seen this many times - this recent situation on list being a prime example, as
is your prior experience, Anita.

The only way to fight this effect is to be aware of it to begin with, something
many - but not all - poly people seem naturally and intuitively better at than
the general populace. It would be extremely interesting to do fMRI studies
comparing the brains of non-poly vs. experienced poly people in the throes of
limerence to see the differences. I say "experienced" poly people, because I
have seen folks who self-identify as poly be just as bad or worse about this
than non-poly folk.

Even being aware, it can be extremely difficult to struggle against, depending
on the particular mix of brain chemistry you have. So, perhaps in that
knowledge there can also be sympathy for those who seem to suddenly "turn" on a
longtime lover - they are as much victims of their own brain chemistry as
anything... and their rational mind is simply being flooded over by that older
reptile brain. The instinct to mate is very deep rooted and pre-rational: while
we as a species might be on the verge of wresting some conscious control over
that process, it's a tenuous advantage at best.

And it's one that I argue we will continue to lose so long as we continue to be
in love with the idea of being in love.

  >*< Fritz