Re: [UUPoly-L] My Husband is Dumping Me

[Jacques Murphy <jacquesm@epix.net>]

Penna

I'm so sorry about what you're going through. Because there seems to be a still-increasing list of issues being mentioned by your husband, I would strongly recommend counseling to get to the bottom of it. I remember you said he was against the idea, but that needn't stop you from going. By doing so, you'll be better able to accomplish more than one thing: 1) Get clear how you feel; 2) Vent some of your own negative feelings, so that when you deal with your husband, you can focus on being as positive and effective as possible; 3) Get a professional perspective on what he says, his behavior, and what approach might work best to get him to talk productively with you and maybe even come to counseling. That has been my experience with counseling for myself.

I remember having young kids, being young and struggling in the early stages of a (non-)career, trying to be a father, trying to deal with sleep deprivation, and trying to deal with the some of the very tedious side of being young parents in a modest living situation. Life was hard to deal with. Lots of things built up and festered because they were unsaid. I betcha I could have complained to my wife for hours at a time, about really significant problems and totally insignificant ones, all jumbled together. You probably have not reached the bottom of your husband's complaints. It could also be that after he feels sympathized with and understood (or just clearer about how he feels), he may realize that some of his complaints aren't all that important to him, and he can figure out what the important issues are for him. Just my two cents, hope it's of some help. At worst, counseling can help you better navigate these difficult waters, even if he doesn't change a whit. I'll be t!
 hinking about you!

Jacques

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Date: Wed, 14 Nov 2007 12:07:23 -0800 (PST)
From: Penna MacDonald <pennamacdonald@yahoo.com>
Subject: Re: [UUPoly-L] My husband is dumping me.

Hey, everyone,

Thanks so much for all the time and thought that so
many have put into writing back to me about my yucky
situation.  Things have gotten both better and worse
with me.  On the one hand, we are living day to day
with a little less tension.  On the other hand, when I
do actually try to talk his reasoning for wanting out
of the marriage gets more and more flimsy, such as
"the house is never clean enough" and "you just sit
around all day and don't play with Matty (our son). " 
I'm a stay-home mom, so somehow he must have thought
that keeping the house clean became totally my
responsibility.  That's weird, because when he was a
stay-home dad for the first year of our son's life he
certainly wasn't the only one who cooked and cleaned. 
And the idea that I don't spend time with my son is
ludicrous and insulting.  It is so painful for him to
insinuate that I'm doing a bad job at home because our
son is happy, healthy, smart, and funny.  But I'll
spare you the rest of the annoying details.

I just am shocked to look at this person and realize
that whoever I thought was in that body either wasn't
ever there or has left.  It hurts so much, but I have
found that I have about a zillion friends--people who
I don't even know, like you--who are supportive of me.
 The weird part is that he's only complained about the
poly part once, but then of course quickly stopped
because I know he doesn't want to give up his
girlfriend.  (And of course many suspect that that's
why he's breaking up in the first place.)  Anyhoo....I
fear I'm becoming pretty boring by now.  Thanks so
much for taking the time to read and write and help me
think through things.  It has been immensely helpful.

Penna
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