Re: [UUPoly-L] My husband is dumping me -- and neuroscience

[Anita Wagner <imapolygirl@yahoo.com>]

Fritz said:
 
> Now Anita, if you had ever been to one of my presentations on neuroscience and
> love, you would have a clearer understanding of why this happens!

Actually I did, but somehow I hadn't connected the info to that period in my life.  And I agree that Tennov and Fisher tell a powerful story.  Together they explain a lot of why we do what we do for love.  

> Well, even though Tennov didn't study it, I think clearly there is a flip side
> to this effect, and that is, as much as the limerent object is being elevated,
> to simultaneously minimize and suppress any "contenders". I think we've all
> seen this many times - this recent situation on list being a prime example, as
> is your prior experience, Anita.

<snipped>

> Even being aware, it can be extremely difficult to struggle against, depending
> on the particular mix of brain chemistry you have. So, perhaps in that
> knowledge there can also be sympathy for those who seem to suddenly "turn" on a
> longtime lover - they are as much victims of their own brain chemistry as
> anything... and their rational mind is simply being flooded over by that older
> reptile brain. 

Sheesh.  You may well be right, but I'm not especially inclined to cut my ex much slack on that account - not so much for his falling for another and leaving our marriage, but instead for the way he handled it.  It's hard to imagine that this intelligent man with an upper crust ivy league education just couldn't help himself from making up lies about me in order to justify his own actions, though I'll admit that he seemed quite convinced as to the "truth" of them, and nothing I could say or do could change his mind.  He clearly had no incentive to do so, quite the opposite.  Still, I don't think much of people who engage in that sort of self-serving self-delusion.  We have higher brain functions for a reason.  .  

Oddly, when it comes to discussions about genetic predisposition/predetermination, in the past I have tended to be irritated by those who make this last argument.  We hear it frequently from people who think monogamy is the only moral choice and who argue forcefully that we have free will and the necessary intelligence to make the "right" choice however much we may be genetically predisposed, as Fisher says, to pair bond non-exclusively over the long term.  The same argument is often heard against the idea of homosexuality being genetically predetermined.  I accept the idea that limerence was the force driving my ex's determination to end our marriage.  But he had a choice as to whether to villify me and cause me much emotional pain.  Choosing that means of exit allowed him to feel OK about it at my expense, and he did have a choice.  Nice for him.  I sure didn't have one.  

Societal conditioning says that those who break others' hearts are the bad guys, and social opprobrium is a powerful thing.  If your theory is correct, it would seem that our societal assumptions about such matters are off base, at least to some degree.   I get your point that some of the way many behave may be more appropriately attributable to the way we are wired to mate.  Still, we live in the here and now.  Call me a dreamer, but I think many of us have the capacity to hold ourselves to a higher standard when it comes to the ethics of breaking up and moving on.  It does demand a fairly high level of intelligence, emotional and otherwise.  

> The instinct to mate is very deep rooted and pre-rational: while
> we as a species might be on the verge of wresting some conscious control over
> that process, it's a tenuous advantage at best.
> 
> And it's one that I argue we will continue to lose so long as we continue to be
> in love with the idea of being in love.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know, talk to the hand ....... (grinning)   I doubt the chemical cocktail responsible is ever going to stop running through our veins, or that we will ever gain the ability to neutralize it entirely, but I agree that an understanding of what limerence is and why it happens gives us a useful advantage.  

Great discussion!

Anita