Re: [UUPoly-L] Hi, I'm Marlena

["Li" <los_lord@lairhaven.com>]

I was so interested to read your post! My partner (N) and I have been
together for 16 years, and in a formally declared committed relationship for
14 years. We have two children, both conceived within our relationship and
using a very close friend for the parts we couldn't manage alone (grin). 

Five years ago, my partner fell in love with another woman (V). However our
marriage was good, our family strong, and we had already opened a bit to
lovers (one each, not both of us with the same lovers) who had other primary
partners. So it didn't seem like there was any benefit in breaking one
family apart to make another when we could just make one big one. So she
married V too. We are one family with two couples --it just happens that one
person makes up half of each couple. As for the kids, they will proudly tell
you they have "two moms and a step-mom." (Actually V prefers the title
"wicked stepmother" but it never seems to stick.)

Are you with me so far? Good.

In mid-August I met a woman (L) and fell deeply in love--all without valuing
my current relationship and family a whit less. If things come to pass the
way we hope, she will become a fourth adult in our family, and we will have
two more kids in the mix. We may not all live together, but we will be a
family no less.

Lesbian poly-fidelity is alive and well, at least in my town.

Lisa

-----Original Message-----
From: uupoly-l-bounces+los_lord=lairhaven.com@uupa.org
[mailto:uupoly-l-bounces+los_lord=lairhaven.com@uupa.org] On Behalf Of Anita
Wagner
Sent: Wednesday, November 28, 2007 12:51 PM
To: uupoly-l@uupa.org
Subject: Re: [UUPoly-L] Hi, I'm Marlena

Hi Marlena, and welcome.

I hear how disappointed you are at your mom's attitude.  Without making a
blanket assumption, in my observation many lesbians have negative feelings
about polyamory, much moreso than gay men, though there are exceptions there
as well.  I think some gays and lesbians are naturally inclined toward
monogamy just as some het folks are.  Plus, Lesbians been marinated in the
same societal messaging as have we all.  My understanding is that many are
strongly committed to monogamy partly out of a desire to live a life they
can feel good about and hold out as no less ethical than male/female
monogamous relationships.  If they were to also adopt non-monogamy, this
would tend to reinforce the very hurtful societal criticism they've been
fighting against.  When you're queer, monogamy feels a lot safer.  

Of course, some of this is just my own theory, but I think there's likely
some truth to it.  There is a book about lesbian polyamory you might
consider giving your mom as a means of helping her understand how polyamory
works for lesbians - maybe that would be a form she could relate to.  (Don't
know if the casual sex part might put her off and do more harm than good,
but I wanted you to at least be aware of it.)  

The Lesbian Polyamory Reader: Open Relationships, Non-Monogamy, and Casual
Sex 
http://snipurl.com/lesbianpolyreader


Smiles,
Anita

--------------------
Member, LovingMore Board of Directors  http://www.lovemore.com
I'm blogging on polyamory relationship skills, the polyamory
community/movement, polyamory activism, and, even occasionally, on my own
lovely poly life, at http://practicalpolyamory.blogspot.com
Get help with jealousy, poly/mono relating and other pitfalls of polyamory
at 
Practical Polyamory - http://www.practicalpolyamory.com
--------------------------
If you're uncomfortable about blacks, you're a racist; uncomfortable about
Jews, you are an anti-semite; but today, if you're uncomfortable about sex,
you're a civic leader. --- Dr. Marty Klein
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