Re: [UUPoly-L] seeking advice

["Christine Heinsohn" <kb4wyr@fhrd.net>]

I would suggest that you take a look at what you fear about opening the
relationship more.  Examine those fears well, make sure you are not asking
her to deal with issues that you should be dealing with yourself.

For instance, I at one time had a fear that if we opened our marriage that
my husband would find someone he liked better than me.  Looking at the fear
more deeply, I was really telling myself that I was not lovable.  That's
something I had to work on, not him.  Also, that chances he would find some
one he liked better than me were just as high with or without the sex so
that again was a something I had to deal with and not him.

Once you do that kind of an examination of your fears, then you need to look
at what you really need to make a relationship work.

One of my needs is to know I am the First wife.  Hey, some of you don't like
hierarchy, but it's something I have come to know I need.  So, I have had to
decide how I can tell I am First.  As I have become more mature in my ways
of relating, I have come to understand that my trust for my spouse is one of
the most important elements in knowing I am First.  When he has done things
with others that are of questionable integrity, I question our relationship
more.  So I would rather he tell me things directly and as much up front as
possible rather than trying to tell me in a way and time he thinks will not
hurt me as much.  So I have asked for directness and honesty.  No soft
pedaling.  Oh, and I have also asked that if we get a new vehicle that I am
the first one he has sex with in that vehicle.  :)

Hope this helps.

Christine

-----Original Message-----
From: uupoly-l-bounces+kb4wyr=fhrd.net@uupa.org
[mailto:uupoly-l-bounces+kb4wyr=fhrd.net@uupa.org] On Behalf Of Erika M.
Jackson
Sent: Friday, August 22, 2008 11:43 AM
To: uupoly-l@uupa.org
Subject: [UUPoly-L] seeking advice

Hi all,
 
I'm relatively new to poly and would like to seek some wisdom from some fo
the more experience members of the group. 
 
The basics: I'm in a poly-fi triad. My girlfriend is finding polyfi a little
too limiting, while her husband and I are both oriented for polyfi. While
it's not truly a poly/mono "mixed marriage", we are having some issues with
it. I'm hoping that there are some folks out there who have already
negotiated this type of situation and can help provide guidance.
 
Please reply to me (erika613@yahoo.com) off list.
 
Thanks in advance! :)
 
-erika
 

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