Re: [UUPoly-L] poly books (was concerned newcomer)

[Tara_Affinity <tara_affinity@yahoo.com>]

Hi....speaking of books...  


I'm a former partner of Pete Benson's.  I personally found his rules and agreement based polyamory to be very confining....all the way down to the idea that all my email should be open to his perusal, and even my inner most thoughts if not shared could be considered "withholding".  Oh, and if I were to date someone else rather seriously, this person would have to agree to become a "primary" to all three of us.  When he and I had a final locking of horns, instead of coming together as family, he and his pre-existing partner simply went to the bedroom and shut and locked the door without one word from either of them.  Not good poly form in my opinion.  The final straw (if that wasn't) was when he pounded his fist on the table demanding rather loudly that I only use "I statements" or he would not listen to me.  He was also quite fond of being the man in the middle of two women, in the hand-in-hand-in hand configuration even though we were a delta,
 and at some point I began feeling way more like an object that was owned, rather than a person that was valued.   Ultimately, once I got out of that relationship and moved on I felt I was finally experience the wider realm of polyamory and the potential it holds for deep, multi-partner connections.  In my estimation his words and actions are not congruent.  However....he's a very well intentioned good hearted man, with a lot wonderful things to *say" about how to do poly.  If multi-section written agreements in order to attempt to control partners and the relationship appeal to you, his book might be right up your alley.  If on the other hand you want books that speak very directly to the heart of polyamory, I have some suggestions of books that have served me well.  

Two books I highly recommend are Deborah Anapol's book, Polyamory: The New Love Without Limits.  It remains a poly-primer in my mind.  It really touches on the spiritual grounding of polyamory very beautifully.  Another one I like for it's practicality is Anthony Ravenscroft's "Polyamory" Roadmaps for the clueless and hopeful".  

For over-all personal growth and relationship skills that serve poly-relationships extremely well, I suggest HAI  (www.hai.org) retreats, workshops offered by the NVC folks (http://www.nonviole ntcommunication. com/aboutnvc/ aboutnvc. htm ), and for those that can get away for a wonderful, extremely worthwhile 10 days in July NFNC Summer Camp (www.nfnc.org). 

I have found these to be the most wonderful resources, and where I have found the most healthy, well adjusted poly-folk. 
 
Tara )0(
 
in Lancaster Co., PA  (for now... hoping to relocate in the NY/Conn/Mass. area...looking for poly-friendly living situation and/or community...open to suggestions)
 
Join us at http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ExpansiveLoving/- an on-line group for spiritually and new-paradigm inclined poly-folk.  
 
Tara's page - http://360.yahoo.com/tara_affinity- a sacred living, sex-/poly-positive exploration 
To see my calendar go to  http://calendar.yahoo.com/tara_affinity
 
 
 




________________________________
From: Maria Snyder <miss_faery_maria@yahoo.com>
To: uupoly-l@uupa.org
Sent: Monday, December 1, 2008 4:42:43 PM
Subject: Re: [UUPoly-L] concerned newcomer

That book is pretty awesome... I am out in my sorority, and one of the girls cornered me and asked what polyamory was all about. I thought the conversation was going to be weird but it turned out she had been thinking about it for a long time and was in need of some support and information... now she has borrowed my copy. (not the first borrower)
--Maria (Manhattan,KS)

--- On Mon, 12/1/08, alan7388 <alan7388@gmail.com> wrote:

From: alan7388 <alan7388@gmail.com>
Subject: Re: [UUPoly-L] concerned newcomer
To: uupoly-l@uupa.org
Date: Monday, December 1, 2008, 1:10 PM

On a happier topic, yesterday I finally gave my minister a
long-promised copy of Pete Benson's *The Polyamory Handbook* for his
counselling-guide bookshelf. He was most appreciative.

Now I'll have to see it he shelves in in his office with the spine
inward to avoid embarrassment.