How do you deal
with "couples gifts" for your poly family and friends?
I'm glad you brought this up, because it inspires me to rant on a
related topic.
We talked about negotiating holidays at the Family Tree discussion
group last night, so the topic is in the forefrontof what passes for my mind.
I live in a triad (14 years and counting) with a non-resident fourth
of two years or so. The other members of my triad and I are averse
to "obligatory" gift-giving. We have an agreement that we do not buy
presents for each other at the obligate times . . . birthdays,
Valentine's, December holiday. This is not to say that we don't buy
each other presents . . .we do. When I see something that I think
one of my partners absolutely MUST HAVE (especially if I find it at
the thrift shop) I delightedly buy it for him or her, and the other
two do likewise. I have a bouquet of wonderful secondaries, and have
agreed with them all that we don't do obligatory gifts either. (BTW,
this doesn't include the kids! They get B'day and Solstice presents.)
The reasons why we don't like mandatory giving are various. Judy
HATES the whole commercialized thing she calls "Mammontide" and wants
nothing to do with it. She refuses to buy ANYTHING (including gas or
food) on the day after Thanksgiving. Ken doesn't like "having" to
gift, and resents the idea that the depth of one's affection might
somehow be measured using the cost or appropriateness of the
gift. He also is Christmas-averse, from feeling the pressure of
Christmas on him as a Jewish child in a Christian culture. My own
reasons are vaguer . . . I like giving and getting presents better
than my partners but I object to "relations sparing no expense 'll
send some useless old utensil" . . . buying something ANYTHING in
desperation because you've got to give SOMETHING.
HOWEVER, our new fourth loves the whole present-buying, wrapping,
hiding, waiting-till-the-event schtick . . . and so when I invited
her to join our family tradition she was upset.
On a related note, I have stopped sending "things" across the
continent to my brother (Hi, Storm!) and one daughter (both in WA)
and other daughter, in favor of donations to one of their and my pet
causes . . . UUPA, Sierra Club, Humane Society, Resolve, Ferry Beach!