[UUPoly-L] What I said at San Jose

["Erika M. Jackson" <erika613@yahoo.com>]

Thanks for the question Jasmine - and great idea that we post our words, Bill!The response was overwhelmingly positive  -- I was actually quite surprised at how many people came up to me. 

Hope you all have a wonderful holiday!!

-erika


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Hello.
My name is Erika Jackson and I've been attending this church since
February. I came to this congregation as a refugee from Catholicism. I
felt that the faith tradition I was born into limited the ways that I
was allowed to express my true self. As a queer and a feminist, I
needed to go beyond the box in which I was allowed to move.  I've spent a great deal of my life outside the box. 

 
I was asked to speak today to put a face on those of us who love outside the box, for those of us who love more than one person.  

 
I
am in a polyamorous relationship. I have two wonderful partners, my
girlfriend Verna and my boyfriend Jason. And they definitely know about
each other because they've been married to each other for over 10
years. 

 
Although you will likely hear this a few more times today, let me give a quick definition of polyamory. According to Unitarian Universalists for Polyamory Awareness,
polyamory is the philosophy and practice of loving or relating
intimately to more than one other person at a time with honesty and
integrity.  The emphasis is on "honesty and
integrity." And believe it or not it's precisely that part that
confuses most people when I tell them about my relationship. Most
people could understand if my girlfriend was cheating on her husband –
or if my boyfriend was cheating on his wife. It certainly says a lot
about our society when infidelity is understood and even accepted, and
yet people freely and responsibly choosing to be truthful in their
relationships are considered outside the norm.

 
As
you can imagine, being in a multi-partnered relationship is somewhat
different than being in a monogamous one. For one thing, it is near
impossible to have schedules flexible enough to accommodate all the
family time, couple time and alone time you need – in addition to
chores and errands and the rest of life. You also have two people to
drive you completely crazy in that special way that only your partner
can. And two people to comfort you at the end of a hard day in that
special way that only your partner can. The challenges grow
exponentially, but then so do the rewards.

 
After
having spent years in a monogamous relationship, I can say that having
multiple partners has forced me to become a better communicator. With
two people, I can't just decide to shut down – our family just wouldn't
work without open communication.  I've had to
learn how to confront insecurities, jealousy and fears about my
relationship and yes, even fear about the possibility that one or both
of my partners will want to see an additional person. While it hasn't
always been easy, the deep personal examination that comes with facing
these issues also allows me to be a better partner. And it allows my
heart to stretch to invite more love in.

 
I
feel doubly blessed. I have been privileged enough to find not one, but
two incredible people to share my life with. And when I look to my
future, I can't imagine it without both of them by my side. 

 
I
know that my relationship style isn't for everyone, including those
within the polyamorous community. And that's ok. My hope for all of us
is that no matter who or how many we choose to love, that all of our
loving relationships are respected and affirmed.