[UUPoly-L] Response to a recent post in Dan Savage's SAVAGE LOVE

SESpruiell@aol.com · Sun, 10 Feb 2008 16:41:21 -0000

My response to a recent post in Dan Savage's SAVAGE  LOVE:

Selah Eric Spruiell

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In the latest post of Dan Savage's SAVAGE LOVE, SLUT said:  
Q. Gay here. The BF and I have a modestly open relationshipâthree-ways  once 
in a while, one-offs very rarely. It spices up the home life and reinforces  
trust, blah, blah, blah. So, the BF was visiting the folks the week between  
Christmas and New Year's, and we'd both agreed to have a one-off that week and  
share the juicy details when he got back. Saturday night, I had this guy over  
and we fucked like crazy. The BF got home Sunday, and we had a sexy time  
reviewing the juicy details of our respective indiscretions.  
On Monday (New Year's Eve), I was chatting with our neighbors. They're  
crazy, tequila-loving Texans, and liberals in most respectsâexcept, they've  
hinted, where sex is concerned. So, they asked how the BF and I were doing, and  
when I mentioned that we were greatâthe BF had just returned from a 10-day  tripâ
my neighbors' demeanor totally changed. Their playful and friendly selves  
turned immediately to ice.  
They didn't say anything, but I realized what happened: They heard me and  
the one-off going at it and thought that I had cheated on my BF in his absence!  
I had, of course, but it was BF-sanctioned cheating! They've been very cold 
to  me since. We like them and don't want to screw up our acquaintanceship over 
a  silly misunderstanding! I'm usually very direct with people, but I worry 
that  admitting that I cheated and that the BF was in on it will solve one 
problem and  create another. We don't want our Texans to think we're a couple of 
perverts!  Suggestions? â  
Sissies Love Understanding Texans (SLUT)  
P.S. They hear us go at it all the time. I should've seen this  coming!  
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Dan answered:  
A. Straight Texans who aren't bothered by the sounds of actual queers  
actually going at it, SLUT, won't be destroyed by your nonmonogamous news. That  
your relationship allows for a little outside sexual contactâsafe outside  
contact, I hopeâmay not delight them, being sexual conservatives and all, but  the 
current state of affairs has to please them less than the truth would. Can't  
you see how unfair you're being, SLUT? Right now, the neighbors think you're a  
cheating piece of shit and your boyfriend is a fool. So long as you allow 
them  to go on assuming that you're officially monogamous, they're going to  feel 
like unwilling co-conspirators in your "infidelity." They've probably had  
more than one conversation about what, if anything, they should say to your  
boyfriend. Leaving them in that position isn't fair, SLUT, it isn't neighborly,  
and they're going to resent you more. There's only one way out: The two of  you
âit can't be you alone, because they'll only assume they're being pulled into 
 another lieâwill have to tell them the hole-fucking truth. 
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My response:

Read your response to SLUT Dan, and I couldn't disagree more.  
First off, I define a relationship as an agreement between two (or more)  
people.  I also define cheating as having a surreptitious relationship with  
someone other than your primary partner in a deceitful manner behind your  
partners back.  
You did not cheat on your partner SLUT.  As you stated, you have an open  
relationship with your partner that gives both of you permission to see other  
people.  You discussed with him the possibility of you having a one-off  with 
someone else while he was away and he was ok with it.  You were  neither 
surreptitious or deceitful to your partner.  Please stop saying you  cheated on him.  
You didn't.  
As for the Texans, I firmly believe that people should do whatever they want  
as long as what they are doing doesn't harm anybody else.   Whatever  happens 
between consenting adults is sacrosanct.  The agreement that you  have with 
your partner is between the two of you.  How you handle your sex  lives is 
nobody else's business.  You don't have to explain your lifestyle  to anyone.  
Whether you choose to explain your lifestyle to anyone outside  of your 
relationship is up to you.  You certainly don't have to defend  it.  The Texans should 
take a chill pill.  
What you may not have been is discreet.  
Unfortunately, the wider society does not accept my definition of  
relationship.  We live in a culture that considers monogamy to be the  norm and 
nonmonogamy to be an aberration.  .  There are often societal  consequences for 
behaving outside of the norm even among so-called  Liberals.  Living alternative 
lifestyles often takes courage.  This is  the same society that did not consider 
Black people to be equal, that still  discriminates against homosexuals, that 
considers marriage to be only between a  man and a woman.  You and your 
partner can still be excoriated by your  neighbors, made to be social pariahs.  Even 
other gay people may find your  behavior unacceptable.  A lack of discretion 
can adversely affect your  reputations and even your employment.  Just because 
you and your partner  have made your choices doesn't mean that you have to 
display them in Macy's  window.  Discretion is often the better part of valor.  
Given your  lifestyle, these are things to consider.  
I feel that within the confines of your own home, as long as the noise you  
are making is not excessive, you should be able to whoop and holler with  
whomever you please.  However, the greater part of discretion might have  been to 
whoop a little less or to have gone to a hotel.  If you are so  concerned about 
what your neighbors think of you, perhaps the answer for you and  your 
partner is to move to a community where the social values are more  accommodating.  
I don't know where you live, but it is often easier to find  such communities 
in large urban areas.  
Personally, If I were in your shoes I would tell the Texans to have a coke  
and a smile and have a good day.  
Pissed Off At Society's Tired Conventions  (POASTC)  
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