Re: [UUPoly-L] Response to a recent post in Dan Savage's SAVAGE LOVE

["David Hall" <airsafe1@comcast.net>]

I might suggest that SLUT plays the Wet Spots song "Hi there we're your
kinky neighbors" for their friends.  http://www.wetspotsmusic.com/
Dave 

-----Original Message-----
From: uupoly-l-bounces+airsafe1=comcast.net@uupa.org
[mailto:uupoly-l-bounces+airsafe1=comcast.net@uupa.org] On Behalf Of
SESpruiell@aol.com
Sent: Sunday, February 10, 2008 8:37 AM
To: uupoly-l@uupa.org
Subject: [UUPoly-L] Response to a recent post in Dan Savage's SAVAGE LOVE

My response to a recent post in Dan Savage's SAVAGE  LOVE:
 
Selah Eric Spruiell
 
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In the latest post of Dan Savage's SAVAGE LOVE, SLUT said:  
Q. Gay here. The BF and I have a modestly open relationship-three-ways  once
in a while, one-offs very rarely. It spices up the home life and reinforces
trust, blah, blah, blah. So, the BF was visiting the folks the week between
Christmas and New Year's, and we'd both agreed to have a one-off that week
and share the juicy details when he got back. Saturday night, I had this guy
over and we fucked like crazy. The BF got home Sunday, and we had a sexy
time reviewing the juicy details of our respective indiscretions.  
On Monday (New Year's Eve), I was chatting with our neighbors. They're
crazy, tequila-loving Texans, and liberals in most respects-except, they've
hinted, where sex is concerned. So, they asked how the BF and I were doing,
and when I mentioned that we were great-the BF had just returned from a
10-day  trip- my neighbors' demeanor totally changed. Their playful and
friendly selves turned immediately to ice.  
They didn't say anything, but I realized what happened: They heard me and
the one-off going at it and thought that I had cheated on my BF in his
absence!  
I had, of course, but it was BF-sanctioned cheating! They've been very cold
to  me since. We like them and don't want to screw up our acquaintanceship
over a  silly misunderstanding! I'm usually very direct with people, but I
worry that  admitting that I cheated and that the BF was in on it will solve
one problem and  create another. We don't want our Texans to think we're a
couple of perverts!  Suggestions? - Sissies Love Understanding Texans (SLUT)
P.S. They hear us go at it all the time. I should've seen this  coming!  
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Dan answered:  
A. Straight Texans who aren't bothered by the sounds of actual queers
actually going at it, SLUT, won't be destroyed by your nonmonogamous news.
That your relationship allows for a little outside sexual contact-safe
outside contact, I hope-may not delight them, being sexual conservatives and
all, but  the current state of affairs has to please them less than the
truth would. Can't you see how unfair you're being, SLUT? Right now, the
neighbors think you're a cheating piece of shit and your boyfriend is a
fool. So long as you allow them  to go on assuming that you're officially
monogamous, they're going to  feel like unwilling co-conspirators in your
"infidelity." They've probably had more than one conversation about what, if
anything, they should say to your boyfriend. Leaving them in that position
isn't fair, SLUT, it isn't neighborly, and they're going to resent you more.
There's only one way out: The two of  you -it can't be you alone, because
they'll only assume they're being pulled into  another lie-will have to tell
them the hole-fucking truth. 
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My response:
 
Read your response to SLUT Dan, and I couldn't disagree more.  
First off, I define a relationship as an agreement between two (or more)
people.  I also define cheating as having a surreptitious relationship with
someone other than your primary partner in a deceitful manner behind your
partners back.  
You did not cheat on your partner SLUT.  As you stated, you have an open
relationship with your partner that gives both of you permission to see
other people.  You discussed with him the possibility of you having a
one-off  with someone else while he was away and he was ok with it.  You
were  neither surreptitious or deceitful to your partner.  Please stop
saying you  cheated on him.  
You didn't.  
As for the Texans, I firmly believe that people should do whatever they want

as long as what they are doing doesn't harm anybody else.   Whatever
happens 
between consenting adults is sacrosanct.  The agreement that you  have with
your partner is between the two of you.  How you handle your sex  lives is
nobody else's business.  You don't have to explain your lifestyle  to
anyone.  
Whether you choose to explain your lifestyle to anyone outside  of your
relationship is up to you.  You certainly don't have to defend  it.  The
Texans should take a chill pill.  
What you may not have been is discreet.  
Unfortunately, the wider society does not accept my definition of
relationship.  We live in a culture that considers monogamy to be the  norm
and nonmonogamy to be an aberration.  .  There are often societal
consequences for behaving outside of the norm even among so-called
Liberals.  Living alternative lifestyles often takes courage.  This is  the
same society that did not consider Black people to be equal, that still
discriminates against homosexuals, that considers marriage to be only
between a  man and a woman.  You and your partner can still be excoriated by
your  neighbors, made to be social pariahs.  Even other gay people may find
your  behavior unacceptable.  A lack of discretion can adversely affect your
reputations and even your employment.  Just because you and your partner
have made your choices doesn't mean that you have to display them in Macy's
window.  Discretion is often the better part of valor.  
Given your  lifestyle, these are things to consider.  
I feel that within the confines of your own home, as long as the noise you
are making is not excessive, you should be able to whoop and holler with
whomever you please.  However, the greater part of discretion might have
been to whoop a little less or to have gone to a hotel.  If you are so
concerned about what your neighbors think of you, perhaps the answer for you
and  your partner is to move to a community where the social values are more
accommodating.  
I don't know where you live, but it is often easier to find  such
communities in large urban areas.  
Personally, If I were in your shoes I would tell the Texans to have a coke
and a smile and have a good day.  
Pissed Off At Society's Tired Conventions  (POASTC)
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