Re: [UUPoly-L] Response to a recent post in Dan Savage's SAVAGE LOVE

[Bitsy <darthbitsy@yahoo.com>]

You know, in this case, I think Dan Savage is right -- he should ask if soemthing is wrong, and
then he and his boyfriend shoudl say "you know, we thought it might be this, but thats our
relationship and we like it that way.  So don't worry."

Bitsy

--- David Hall <airsafe1@comcast.net> wrote:

> I might suggest that SLUT plays the Wet Spots song "Hi there we're your
> kinky neighbors" for their friends.  http://www.wetspotsmusic.com/
> Dave 
> 
> -----Original Message-----
> From: uupoly-l-bounces+airsafe1=comcast.net@uupa.org
> [mailto:uupoly-l-bounces+airsafe1=comcast.net@uupa.org] On Behalf Of
> SESpruiell@aol.com
> Sent: Sunday, February 10, 2008 8:37 AM
> To: uupoly-l@uupa.org
> Subject: [UUPoly-L] Response to a recent post in Dan Savage's SAVAGE LOVE
> 
> My response to a recent post in Dan Savage's SAVAGE  LOVE:
>  
> Selah Eric Spruiell
>  
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------------
> --
> ---
>  
> In the latest post of Dan Savage's SAVAGE LOVE, SLUT said:  
> Q. Gay here. The BF and I have a modestly open relationship-three-ways  once
> in a while, one-offs very rarely. It spices up the home life and reinforces
> trust, blah, blah, blah. So, the BF was visiting the folks the week between
> Christmas and New Year's, and we'd both agreed to have a one-off that week
> and share the juicy details when he got back. Saturday night, I had this guy
> over and we fucked like crazy. The BF got home Sunday, and we had a sexy
> time reviewing the juicy details of our respective indiscretions.  
> On Monday (New Year's Eve), I was chatting with our neighbors. They're
> crazy, tequila-loving Texans, and liberals in most respects-except, they've
> hinted, where sex is concerned. So, they asked how the BF and I were doing,
> and when I mentioned that we were great-the BF had just returned from a
> 10-day  trip- my neighbors' demeanor totally changed. Their playful and
> friendly selves turned immediately to ice.  
> They didn't say anything, but I realized what happened: They heard me and
> the one-off going at it and thought that I had cheated on my BF in his
> absence!  
> I had, of course, but it was BF-sanctioned cheating! They've been very cold
> to  me since. We like them and don't want to screw up our acquaintanceship
> over a  silly misunderstanding! I'm usually very direct with people, but I
> worry that  admitting that I cheated and that the BF was in on it will solve
> one problem and  create another. We don't want our Texans to think we're a
> couple of perverts!  Suggestions? - Sissies Love Understanding Texans (SLUT)
> P.S. They hear us go at it all the time. I should've seen this  coming!  
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------------
> --
> -------    
> Dan answered:  
> A. Straight Texans who aren't bothered by the sounds of actual queers
> actually going at it, SLUT, won't be destroyed by your nonmonogamous news.
> That your relationship allows for a little outside sexual contact-safe
> outside contact, I hope-may not delight them, being sexual conservatives and
> all, but  the current state of affairs has to please them less than the
> truth would. Can't you see how unfair you're being, SLUT? Right now, the
> neighbors think you're a cheating piece of shit and your boyfriend is a
> fool. So long as you allow them  to go on assuming that you're officially
> monogamous, they're going to  feel like unwilling co-conspirators in your
> "infidelity." They've probably had more than one conversation about what, if
> anything, they should say to your boyfriend. Leaving them in that position
> isn't fair, SLUT, it isn't neighborly, and they're going to resent you more.
> There's only one way out: The two of  you -it can't be you alone, because
> they'll only assume they're being pulled into  another lie-will have to tell
> them the hole-fucking truth. 
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------------
> --
> ----------
> My response:
>  
> Read your response to SLUT Dan, and I couldn't disagree more.  
> First off, I define a relationship as an agreement between two (or more)
> people.  I also define cheating as having a surreptitious relationship with
> someone other than your primary partner in a deceitful manner behind your
> partners back.  
> You did not cheat on your partner SLUT.  As you stated, you have an open
> relationship with your partner that gives both of you permission to see
> other people.  You discussed with him the possibility of you having a
> one-off  with someone else while he was away and he was ok with it.  You
> were  neither surreptitious or deceitful to your partner.  Please stop
> saying you  cheated on him.  
> You didn't.  
> As for the Texans, I firmly believe that people should do whatever they want
> 
> as long as what they are doing doesn't harm anybody else.   Whatever
> happens 
> between consenting adults is sacrosanct.  The agreement that you  have with
> your partner is between the two of you.  How you handle your sex  lives is
> nobody else's business.  You don't have to explain your lifestyle  to
> anyone.  
> Whether you choose to explain your lifestyle to anyone outside  of your
> relationship is up to you.  You certainly don't have to defend  it.  The
> Texans should take a chill pill.  
> What you may not have been is discreet.  
> Unfortunately, the wider society does not accept my definition of
> relationship.  We live in a culture that considers monogamy to be the  norm
> and nonmonogamy to be an aberration.  .  There are often societal
> consequences for behaving outside of the norm even among so-called
> Liberals.  Living alternative lifestyles often takes courage.  This is  the
> same society that did not consider Black people to be equal, that still
> discriminates against homosexuals, that considers marriage to be only
> between a  man and a woman.  You and your partner can still be excoriated by
> your  neighbors, made to be social pariahs.  Even other gay people may find
> your  behavior unacceptable.  A lack of discretion can adversely affect your
> reputations and even your employment.  Just because you and your partner
> have made your choices doesn't mean that you have to display them in Macy's
> window.  Discretion is often the better part of valor.  
> Given your  lifestyle, these are things to consider.  
> I feel that within the confines of your own home, as long as the noise you
> are making is not excessive, you should be able to whoop and holler with
> whomever you please.  However, the greater part of discretion might have
> been to whoop a little less or to have gone to a hotel.  If you are so
> concerned about what your neighbors think of you, perhaps the answer for you
> and  your partner is to move to a community where the social values are more
> accommodating.  
> I don't know where you live, but it is often easier to find  such
> communities in large urban areas.  
> Personally, If I were in your shoes I would tell the Texans to have a coke
> and a smile and have a good day.  
> Pissed Off At Society's Tired Conventions  (POASTC)
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------------
> --
> ------- 
> 
> 
> 
> 
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