Re: [UUPoly-L] UUPoly-L Digest, Vol 41, Issue 7

[SESpruiell@aol.com]

In a message dated 2/12/2008 12:01:18 P.M. Eastern Standard  Time, Bitsy 
writes:

You  know, in this case, I think Dan Savage is right -- he should ask if 
something  is wrong, and
then he and his boyfriend should say "you know, we thought it  might be this, 
but that's our
relationship and we like it that way.   So don't worry."
 
On second thought Bitsy, I like your answer.  
 
It's accommodating without surrendering to the Texan's  mores.
 
 
Selah Eric Spruiell 

My  response to a recent post in Dan Savage's SAVAGE  LOVE:
>   
> Selah Eric Spruiell
>  
>  
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>  
> In the latest post of Dan Savage's  SAVAGE LOVE, SLUT said:  
> Q. Gay here. The BF and I have a  modestly open relationship-three-ways  
once
> in a while, one-offs  very rarely. It spices up the home life and reinforces
> trust, blah,  blah, blah. So, the BF was visiting the folks the week between
>  Christmas and New Year's, and we'd both agreed to have a one-off that  week
> and share the juicy details when he got back. Saturday night, I  had this 
guy
> over and we fucked like crazy. The BF got home Sunday,  and we had a sexy
> time reviewing the juicy details of our respective  indiscretions.  
> On Monday (New Year's Eve), I was chatting with  our neighbors. They're
> crazy, tequila-loving Texans, and liberals in  most respects-except, they've
> hinted, where sex is concerned. So, they  asked how the BF and I were doing,
> and when I mentioned that we were  great-the BF had just returned from a
> 10-day  trip- my neighbors'  demeanor totally changed. Their playful and
> friendly selves turned  immediately to ice. 
> They didn't say anything, but I realized what happened: They heard  me and
> the one-off going at it and thought that I had cheated on my BF  in his
> absence!  
 
> I had, of course, but it was BF-sanctioned cheating! They've been  very cold
> to  me since. We like them and don't want to screw up our  acquaintanceship
> over a  silly misunderstanding! I'm usually very  direct with people, but I
> worry that  admitting that I cheated and  that the BF was in on it will 
solve
> one problem and  create  another. We don't want our Texans to think we're a
> couple of  perverts!  Suggestions? - Sissies Love Understanding Texans 
(SLUT)
>  P.S. They hear us go at it all the time. I should've seen this   coming!  
>  
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> Dan answered:  
> A.  Straight Texans who aren't bothered by the sounds of actual queers
>  actually going at it, SLUT, won't be destroyed by your nonmonogamous  news.
> That your relationship allows for a little outside sexual  contact-safe
> outside contact, I hope-may not delight them, being sexual  conservatives 
and
> all, but  the current state of affairs has to  please them less than the
> truth would. Can't you see how unfair you're  being, SLUT? Right now, the
> neighbors think you're a cheating piece of  shit and your boyfriend is a
> fool. So long as you allow them  to go  on assuming that you're officially
> monogamous, they're going to   feel like unwilling co-conspirators in your
> "infidelity." They've  probably had more than one conversation about what, 
if
> anything, they  should say to your boyfriend. Leaving them in that position
> isn't fair,  SLUT, it isn't neighborly, and they're going to resent you 
more.
> There's  only one way out: The two of  you -it can't be you alone, because
>  they'll only assume they're being pulled into  another lie-will have to  
tell
> them the hole-fucking truth. 
>  
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> My response:
>  
> Read your  response to SLUT Dan, and I couldn't disagree more.  
> First off, I  define a relationship as an agreement between two (or more)
>  people.  I also define cheating as having a surreptitious relationship  
with
> someone other than your primary partner in a deceitful manner  behind your
> partners back.  

> You did not cheat on your partner SLUT.  As you stated, you  have an open
> relationship with your partner that gives both of you  permission to see
> other people.  You discussed with him the  possibility of you having a
> one-off  with someone else while he was  away and he was ok with it.  You
> were  neither surreptitious  or deceitful to your partner.  Please stop
> saying you  cheated  on him. 

> You didn't.  

> As for the Texans, I firmly believe that people should do whatever  they 
want
> 
> as long as what they are doing doesn't harm anybody  else.   Whatever
> happens > between consenting adults is  sacrosanct.  The agreement that you 
 have with
> your partner is  between the two of you.  How you handle your sex  lives is
>  nobody else's business.  You don't have to explain your lifestyle   to
> anyone. 

> Whether you choose to explain your lifestyle to anyone  outside  of your
> relationship is up to you.  You certainly  don't have to defend  it.  The
> Texans should take a chill  pill. 

> What you may not have been is discreet.
 
> Unfortunately, the wider society does not accept my definition  of
> relationship.  We live in a culture that considers monogamy to  be the  norm
> and nonmonogamy to be an aberration.  .   There are often societal
> consequences for behaving outside of the norm  even among so-called
> Liberals.  Living alternative lifestyles often  takes courage.  This is  the
> same society that did not  consider Black people to be equal, that still
> discriminates against  homosexuals, that considers marriage to be only
> between a  man and  a woman.  You and your partner can still be excoriated 
by
>  your  neighbors, made to be social pariahs.  Even other gay people may  
find
> your  behavior unacceptable.  A lack of discretion can  adversely affect 
your
> reputations and even your employment.  Just  because you and your partner
> have made your choices doesn't mean that  you have to display them in Macy's
> window.  Discretion is often the  better part of valor.  
> Given your  lifestyle, these are  things to consider.
 
> I feel that within the confines of your own home, as long as the  noise you
> are making is not excessive, you should be able to whoop and  holler with
> whomever you please.  However, the greater part of  discretion might have
> been to whoop a little less or to have gone to a  hotel.  If you are so
> concerned about what your neighbors think of  you, perhaps the answer for 
you
> and  your partner is to move to a  community where the social values are 
more
> accommodating.  

> I don't know where you live, but it is often easier to find   such
> communities in large urban areas. 

> Personally, If I were in your shoes I would tell the Texans to  have a coke
> and a smile and have a good day. 

> Pissed Off At Society's Tired Conventions  (POASTC)
>  
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