Re: [UUPoly-L] poly vs affair

Faith Always <heryn@hotmail.com> · Tue, 22 Jan 2008 02:52:24 -0000

Dear Dale,

 In reading your post, other than the obvious pain you are in, the first thing I noticed was that you didn't talk about having set up any guidlines for your relationship and the possibility of pursuing relationships with others. This is one of the biggest (and usually first) mistakes that people new to this make. I was glad to hear that you were beginning therapy tomorrow. Putting together a "contract' in whatever form the two of you decide, would be, IMHO, one of the first things to do. WIth the love you have, the emotions can likely be worked thru if you are both willing. The contract will save you from a lot of future misunderstandings. I find that the simpler the better, for my family, and that negotiation is always, except for 2 points we agreed on, an option for us. Good luck.
       Faith 

 When you begin to touch your heart or let your heart be touched, you begin to discover that it's bottomless, that it doesn't have any resolution, that this heart is huge, vast, and limitless. You begin to discover how much warmth and gentleness is there, as well as how much space.
                      -Pema Chodron
 > Date: Mon, 21 Jan 2008 18:35:40 -0800> From: redlakeloon@yahoo.com> To: uupoly-l@uupa.org> Subject: [UUPoly-L] poly vs affair> > HI all,> This is my first time writing although I have been to the site before.> I would like some help in understanding some things about polyamory. My partner and I are lesbians, she is 43 and I am 54. We have been attracted to each other(unknown to the other) for over 15 years, but were always in other relationships before we knew the other was available. In August of 2003 we finally admitted our love for each other and began to date. She was in a relationship but I was led to believe it was on the rocks. So even tho I knew better I pursued the relationship and she went with it too.We ended up living together by that January.> Val has often brought up polyamory and we would discuss it a little. Then drop it for months or longer. Each time I would tell her that I didn't think I was but would be willing to learn more about it and if need be go to therapy to explore if I could do it. I told Val that I loved her enough to do this because I didn't want our relationship to end. I started looking on line a couple years ago to learn more and found the UUPA. It has given me some insight and helped me to understand the principles behaind polyamory.> > Now the reason for my subject heading. In mid December Val went to a psych hospital to work on some old wounds and her eating disorder (she is overweight). We both agreed that this was the right thing to do and she had been in therapy for the last year, wanting to finally be free of her "demons". We knew it would be hard for her and hopefully life changing. Well, it sure became life changing but not in a way either of us could have imagined. She was there 2 weeks and really started to open up and look at her "stuff". It was very painful for her but she said she was willing to do the "work". I heard from her every day and could hear the pain but also the hope that she was getting thru this. Then after a week or so I began to hear less of her "stuff" and more about this Mel person. Long story short she "fell in love" with a lesbian there and when she came home she told me she had "met someone" and wanted to explore a relationship with her. Needless to say I am devastated> and never saw this twist coming. Three days after coming home she left town to go see her. She continued to say she was acting out of her desire for a polyamorus lifestyle but I told her that as far as I had learned this was not polyamory. To me it looked and felt more like an affair. She has been back to see her new friend 3 times since coming home 1/9/08. We have started to talk a little better lately. but I can't help but wonder if this is truly polyamory or is she fooling herself? We are going to couples counseling tomorrow to start seeing where we're going. I am nervous but willing to go.> > If anyone can shed some light or hope or whatever please do> thanks so much> dale> > > > > ---------------------------------> Be a better friend, newshound, and know-it-all with Yahoo! Mobile. Try it now.> _______________________________________________> The UUPoly-L mailing list has public archives.> Please keep that in mind when deciding how much to reveal about yourself.> UUPoly-L mailing list> UUPoly-L@uupa.org> http://www.uupa.org/mailman/listinfo/uupoly-l
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