Re: [UUPoly-L] poly vs affair

["K Morgan-Davie" <kmorgandavie@gmail.com>]

Dear Dale,
Your story touched me as well, since it is very similar to my own story of
about a year ago.  There, my then-partner and I had discussed the concept of
poly, but had not done nearly enough of the hard work, the part where each
lays out what they want and need, what they hope to get, create, and keep in
these adventures we call "relationship", and agrees to the rules, the
structure within which we will function, which are intended and designed to
protect us from hurt and harm.
 Like so many, she and I had no idea how difficult the process would be, or
what to watch for, and so there were no boundaries in place as she began
"looking around.  In fact it was I who, assuming she would act in loving
ways that would keep us both reasonably comfortable, helped introduce her to
the woman who she would, in the space of only a few days, fall madly in love
with, announcing that "this was the one..."
 Like your experience, I can only describe what she then entered as an
affair.  And I have some experience, having entered into an affair of my own
with this same woman only 18 months before.  The old chestnut "If they'll do
it with you, they'll do it to you" comes to mind here!  She, I think, felt
that I was trying to control her, deny her right to free choice - not so, I
simply wished to be treated with love and respect, to feel that the existing
relationship was also significant and important, but this never happened,
and I was left betrayed and devastated.
 In my opinion, one hallmark of "true" polyamory is that the needs of the
existing partnership (or partnerships) take precedence over the needs of the
new relationship, or at the very least have equal weight. My expressing
discomfort to my ex-partner should (again, my opinion) have caused her to
back off with the new person while those issues that were causing me pain
were addressed, but instead, she chose to do what made her feel good, and
our relationship be damned. To me, that was not loving behavior - She wasn't
poly - she was shutting me off to fulfill her own needs, and blaming me for
not being "understanding" and "poly enough". It was an affair.

Blessings - Keith




If anyone can shed some light or hope or whatever please do
thanks so much
dale