Re: [UUPoly-L] poly vs affair

"Christine Heinsohn" <kb4wyr@fhrd.net> · Tue, 22 Jan 2008 03:25:59 -0000

Dale,

Thanks for sharing your thoughts and concerns with us.  It is a brave act to
be so open.

I have been in your shoes to some extent, trying to make sense of a
partner's actions.  Trying to line those actions up with a definition of
polyamory and feeling like the actions didn't quite fit my understanding of
what polyamory was.  Which lead to the obvious understanding on my part that
he was wrong and I was right!  Hmmm...great big trap...and you are stepping
quite close to it.

I don't think the important thing is whether what is happening is polyamory
or not, but whether you and your partner are acting out of love versus fear
and can you all design a relationship pattern that works for you two.  It
doesn't have to work for anyone else, except you two. 

Think about what's important in a relationship, is it honesty?  Is it sexual
exclusivity?  Is it primacy?  Is it mutual support?  Is it openness?  Is
it.....?

Look at those things you say are important.  Ask yourself if you are willing
to pay the price to keep that relationship element in place?  Ask yourself
if it's really something you want or is it something that you have grown to
expect out of habit/social conditioning/"that's the way it's done".

Essentially, you all have the freedom to design a relationship that works
for you two, welcome that freedom.  It's wonderfully challenging work that
involves getting to know yourself really well, tearing down walls you have
built between yourself and others, learning to live without some of your
protective armor.  

There are a ton of love songs about "some body done some body wrong", you
all have the chance to create a love song around the ever expansiveness of
love.  It all depends on how you want to frame the problem.  That is solely
your choice.

Christine

-----Original Message-----
From: uupoly-l-bounces+kb4wyr=fhrd.net@uupa.org
[mailto:uupoly-l-bounces+kb4wyr=fhrd.net@uupa.org] On Behalf Of Dale Woolson
Sent: Monday, January 21, 2008 8:36 PM
To: uupoly-l@uupa.org
Subject: [UUPoly-L] poly vs affair

HI all,
This is my first time writing although I have been to the site before.
I would like some help in understanding some things about polyamory. My
partner and I are lesbians, she is 43 and I am 54. We have been attracted to
each other(unknown to the other) for over 15 years, but were always in other
relationships before we knew the other was available. In August of 2003 we
finally admitted our love for each other and began to date. She was in a
relationship but I was led to believe it was on the rocks. So even tho I
knew better I pursued the relationship and she went with it too.We ended up
living together by that January.
Val has often brought up polyamory and we would discuss it a little. Then
drop it for months or longer. Each time I would tell her that I didn't think
I was but would be willing to learn more about it and if need be go to
therapy to explore if I could do it. I told Val that I loved her enough to
do this because I didn't want our relationship to end. I started looking on
line a couple years ago to learn more and found the UUPA. It has given me
some insight and helped me to understand the principles behaind polyamory.

Now the reason for my subject heading.  In mid December Val went to a psych
hospital to work on some old wounds and her eating disorder (she is
overweight). We both agreed that this was the right thing to do and she had
been in therapy for the last year, wanting to finally be free of her
"demons". We knew it would be hard for her and hopefully life changing.
Well, it sure became life changing but not in a way either of us could have
imagined. She was there 2 weeks and really started to open up and look at
her "stuff".  It was very painful for her but she said she was willing to do
the "work".  I heard from her every day and could hear the pain but also the
hope that she was getting thru this.  Then after a week or so I began to
hear less of her "stuff" and more about this Mel person. Long story short
she "fell in love" with a lesbian there and when she came home she told me
she had "met someone" and wanted to explore a relationship with her.
Needless to say I am devastated
 and never saw this twist coming.  Three days after coming home she left
town to go see her.  She continued  to say she was acting out of her desire
for a polyamorus lifestyle but I told her that as far as I had learned this
was not polyamory. To me it looked and felt more like an affair.  She has
been back to see her new friend 3 times since coming home 1/9/08.  We have
started to talk a little better lately.  but I can't help but wonder if this
is truly polyamory or is she fooling herself?  We are going to couples
counseling tomorrow to start seeing where we're going. I am nervous but
willing to go.

If anyone can shed some light or hope or whatever please do
thanks so much
dale

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