Re: [UUPoly-L] poly vs affair

["Dorothy Krause" <dorothyk@charter.net>]

Taking a different tack then others that have responded, I wanted to
bring up 2 terms that polys toss about often. First, I'm sure you
remember the feeling of first falling in love, with the joys and desires
that you experience. Well, that is what is happening with them now. The
term is New Relationship Energy (NRE) and tends to be a wonderful high
that people would like to always continue. But I think we all know that
time mellows it out to, hopefully, a calmer space which grows into
something more permanent. 

When we take delight in the joy of others, we share that joy. When poly
partners take delight in the joy of NRE that their loved ones
experience, they get to share in the joy of the budding relationship.
That is called compersion (and, wow,
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Compersion picked it up, so I won't go much
further trying to explain.) 

If you can find it in yourself to understand and get to that place, you
may find yourself not only accepting the new relationship, but you may
find that it adds to the one you already have with your partner, in
whatever way the new normal shapes itself to be. That is what poly is
really all about, at it's core. It's not that your relationship is
broken, or necessarily even cracked... it's that her attention is
diverted by a new love... a love that you can share with her, second
hand at the very least, and in all probability, it will spill over into
the "old" relationship too, if you allow it to. 

Dorothy

On 1/21/2008 8:35:40 PM, Dale Woolson (redlakeloon@yahoo.com) wrote:
HI all,
This is my first time writing although I have been to the site before.
I would like some help in understanding some things about polyamory. My
partner and I are lesbians, she is 43 and I am 54. We have been
attracted to each other(unknown to the other) for over 15 years, but
were always in other relationships before we knew the other was
available. In August of 2003 we finally admitted our love for each other
and began to date. She was in a relationship but I was led to believe it
was on the rocks. So even tho I knew better I pursued the relationship
and she went with it too.We ended up living together by that January.
Val has often brought up polyamory and we would discuss it a little.
Then drop it for months or longer. Each time I would tell her that I
didn't think I was but would be willing to learn more about it and if
need be go to therapy to explore if I could do it. I told Val that I
loved her enough to do this because I didn't want our relationship to
end. I started looking on line a couple years ago to learn more and
found the UUPA. It has given me some insight and helped me to understand
the principles behaind polyamory.

Now the reason for my subject heading.  In mid December Val went to a
psych hospital to work on some old wounds and her eating disorder (she
is overweight). We both agreed that this was the right thing to do and
she had been in therapy for the last year, wanting to finally be free of
her "demons". We knew it would be hard for her and hopefully life
changing. Well, it sure became life changing but not in a way either of
us could have imagined. She was there 2 weeks and really started to open
up and look at her "stuff".  It was very painful for her but she said
she was willing to do the "work".  I heard from her every day and could
hear the pain but also the hope that she was getting thru this.  Then
after a week or so I began to hear less of her "stuff" and more about
this Mel person. Long story short she "fell in love" with a lesbian
there and when she came home she told me she had "met someone" and
wanted to explore a relationship with her. Needless to say I am
devastated
 and never saw this twist coming.  Three days after coming home she left
town to go see her.  She continued  to say she was acting out of her
desire for a polyamorus lifestyle but I told her that as far as I had
learned this was not polyamory. To me it looked and felt more like an
affair.  She has been back to see her new friend 3 times since coming
home 1/9/08.  We have started to talk a little better lately.  but I
can't help but wonder if this is truly polyamory or is she fooling
herself?  We are going to couples counseling tomorrow to start seeing
where we're going. I am nervous but willing to go.

If anyone can shed some light or hope or whatever please do
thanks so much
dale