Re: [UUPoly-L] poly vs affair

"K Morgan-Davie" <kmorgandavie@gmail.com> · Tue, 22 Jan 2008 13:42:45 -0000

All,
Appreciating the comments of others, particularly by Christine and Dorothy,
but I have a question from my own story:
 What is to be done in the situation I described, where the partner, who we
still love and cherish, who we *want* to be happy , and want to support in
their new love, seems suddenly unable to share?
 I truely felt (and it seems like Dale does too) that the new relationship
would make my partner a happier, more complete person, and so I helped them
meet, let her use my car (she didn't own one) and  began with joy, because
she was so obviously happy - but the shared joy never flowed both ways, and
even my  very non-intrusive "How'd it go?" after a date, in hopes of sharing
her joy, was taken to be me competing for her attention - an invasion of her
"freedom" and right to choose.
 Compersion is a wonderful concept, and a wonderful reality when it happens,
but I think it takes two.  It is not always enough that I take joy in my
partner's joy - they must also *allow* me to do so, by remaining engaged and
loving and honest and fair...  Compersion doesn't (it seems to me!) happen
in a vacuum. At least not all the time.
 Blessings - Keith

On Jan 21, 2008 10:24 PM, Christine Heinsohn <kb4wyr@fhrd.net> wrote:

> Dale,
>
> Thanks for sharing your thoughts and concerns with us.  It is a brave act
> to
> be so open.
>
> I have been in your shoes to some extent, trying to make sense of a
> partner's actions.  Trying to line those actions up with a definition of
> polyamory and feeling like the actions didn't quite fit my understanding
> of
> what polyamory was.  Which lead to the obvious understanding on my part
> that
> he was wrong and I was right!  Hmmm...great big trap...and you are
> stepping
> quite close to it.
>
> I don't think the important thing is whether what is happening is
> polyamory
> or not, but whether you and your partner are acting out of love versus
> fear
> and can you all design a relationship pattern that works for you two.  It
> doesn't have to work for anyone else, except you two.
>
> Think about what's important in a relationship, is it honesty?  Is it
> sexual
> exclusivity?  Is it primacy?  Is it mutual support?  Is it openness?  Is
> it.....?
>
> Look at those things you say are important.  Ask yourself if you are
> willing
> to pay the price to keep that relationship element in place?  Ask yourself
> if it's really something you want or is it something that you have grown
> to
> expect out of habit/social conditioning/"that's the way it's done".
>
> Essentially, you all have the freedom to design a relationship that works
> for you two, welcome that freedom.  It's wonderfully challenging work that
> involves getting to know yourself really well, tearing down walls you have
> built between yourself and others, learning to live without some of your
> protective armor.
>
> There are a ton of love songs about "some body done some body wrong", you
> all have the chance to create a love song around the ever expansiveness of
> love.  It all depends on how you want to frame the problem.  That is
> solely
> your choice.
>
> Christine
>
> -----Original Message-----
> From: uupoly-l-bounces+kb4wyr=fhrd.net@uupa.org
> [mailto:uupoly-l-bounces+kb4wyr=fhrd.net@uupa.org] On Behalf Of Dale
> Woolson
> Sent: Monday, January 21, 2008 8:36 PM
> To: uupoly-l@uupa.org
> Subject: [UUPoly-L] poly vs affair
>
> HI all,
> This is my first time writing although I have been to the site before.
> I would like some help in understanding some things about polyamory. My
> partner and I are lesbians, she is 43 and I am 54. We have been attracted
> to
> each other(unknown to the other) for over 15 years, but were always in
> other
> relationships before we knew the other was available. In August of 2003 we
> finally admitted our love for each other and began to date. She was in a
> relationship but I was led to believe it was on the rocks. So even tho I
> knew better I pursued the relationship and she went with it too.We ended
> up
> living together by that January.
> Val has often brought up polyamory and we would discuss it a little. Then
> drop it for months or longer. Each time I would tell her that I didn't
> think
> I was but would be willing to learn more about it and if need be go to
> therapy to explore if I could do it. I told Val that I loved her enough to
> do this because I didn't want our relationship to end. I started looking
> on
> line a couple years ago to learn more and found the UUPA. It has given me
> some insight and helped me to understand the principles behaind polyamory.
>
> Now the reason for my subject heading.  In mid December Val went to a
> psych
> hospital to work on some old wounds and her eating disorder (she is
> overweight). We both agreed that this was the right thing to do and she
> had
> been in therapy for the last year, wanting to finally be free of her
> "demons". We knew it would be hard for her and hopefully life changing.
> Well, it sure became life changing but not in a way either of us could
> have
> imagined. She was there 2 weeks and really started to open up and look at
> her "stuff".  It was very painful for her but she said she was willing to
> do
> the "work".  I heard from her every day and could hear the pain but also
> the
> hope that she was getting thru this.  Then after a week or so I began to
> hear less of her "stuff" and more about this Mel person. Long story short
> she "fell in love" with a lesbian there and when she came home she told me
> she had "met someone" and wanted to explore a relationship with her.
> Needless to say I am devastated
>  and never saw this twist coming.  Three days after coming home she left
> town to go see her.  She continued  to say she was acting out of her
> desire
> for a polyamorus lifestyle but I told her that as far as I had learned
> this
> was not polyamory. To me it looked and felt more like an affair.  She has
> been back to see her new friend 3 times since coming home 1/9/08.  We have
> started to talk a little better lately.  but I can't help but wonder if
> this
> is truly polyamory or is she fooling herself?  We are going to couples
> counseling tomorrow to start seeing where we're going. I am nervous but
> willing to go.
>
> If anyone can shed some light or hope or whatever please do
> thanks so much
> dale
>
>
>
>
> ---------------------------------
> Be a better friend, newshound, and know-it-all with Yahoo! Mobile.  Try it
> now.
> _______________________________________________
> The UUPoly-L mailing list has public archives.
> Please keep that in mind when deciding how much to reveal about yourself.
> UUPoly-L mailing list
> UUPoly-L@uupa.org
> http://www.uupa.org/mailman/listinfo/uupoly-l
>
>
>
> _______________________________________________
> The UUPoly-L mailing list has public archives.
> Please keep that in mind when deciding how much to reveal about yourself.
> UUPoly-L mailing list
> UUPoly-L@uupa.org
> http://www.uupa.org/mailman/listinfo/uupoly-l
>