Re: [UUPoly-L] poly vs affair
Keith,
I so agree that compersion has to be a two way street.
In my own case, my partner had developed an over active defensiveness that
just killed any compersion that was forming. His defensiveness sent signals
to me that he was hiding something. So I questioned things and he got
defensive and the ugly spiral continued..
One of us questioned the cycle and our behavior. That got us both to
thinking and we were able to talk about the defensiveness and its impact on
others. Life has been amazingly different since that investigation on our
part. But it took both of us being willing to examine our own behaviors and
to be open to hearing what the other one said.
When one party in a relationship closes down and refuses communication,
there is not much the other person can do, except persist at being available
for conversation and responding out of your own sense of love instead of
responding to the fear and distance from the other. That fear and distance
hurts, but I have found when I react to it, I personally behave out of sync
with who I want to be. I have to step back and regroup.
Please don't think I am a Saint, I am not. I fail miserably at these steps
frequently, but I also know that if I were to stay reactionary, I become
depressed, gloomy, unproductive, bitter, angry, self destructive. For my
own sanity not for the other, I have to chose to respond my way and NOT
react to the fear and distance. I have taken the stance that the fear and
distance of the other are their own coping mechanisms driven by their
internal framework for which I am NOT responsible. They are chosing to
react with fear and distance. While it hurts to receive, I am not
responsible for it and will not accept such blame. But I will love them, in
spite of them not communicating that they accept that love.
Christine
-----Original Message-----
From: uupoly-l-bounces+kb4wyr=fhrd.net@uupa.org
[mailto:uupoly-l-bounces+kb4wyr=fhrd.net@uupa.org] On Behalf Of K
Morgan-Davie
Sent: Tuesday, January 22, 2008 7:43 AM
To: uupoly-l@uupa.org; redlakeloon@yahoo.com
Subject: Re: [UUPoly-L] poly vs affair
All,
Appreciating the comments of others, particularly by Christine and Dorothy,
but I have a question from my own story:
What is to be done in the situation I described, where the partner, who we
still love and cherish, who we *want* to be happy , and want to support in
their new love, seems suddenly unable to share?
I truely felt (and it seems like Dale does too) that the new relationship
would make my partner a happier, more complete person, and so I helped them
meet, let her use my car (she didn't own one) and began with joy, because
she was so obviously happy - but the shared joy never flowed both ways, and
even my very non-intrusive "How'd it go?" after a date, in hopes of sharing
her joy, was taken to be me competing for her attention - an invasion of her
"freedom" and right to choose.
Compersion is a wonderful concept, and a wonderful reality when it happens,
but I think it takes two. It is not always enough that I take joy in my
partner's joy - they must also *allow* me to do so, by remaining engaged and
loving and honest and fair... Compersion doesn't (it seems to me!) happen
in a vacuum. At least not all the time.
Blessings - Keith
On Jan 21, 2008 10:24 PM, Christine Heinsohn <kb4wyr@fhrd.net> wrote:
> Dale,
>
> Thanks for sharing your thoughts and concerns with us. It is a brave act
> to
> be so open.
>
> I have been in your shoes to some extent, trying to make sense of a
> partner's actions. Trying to line those actions up with a definition of
> polyamory and feeling like the actions didn't quite fit my understanding
> of
> what polyamory was. Which lead to the obvious understanding on my part
> that
> he was wrong and I was right! Hmmm...great big trap...and you are
> stepping
> quite close to it.
>
> I don't think the important thing is whether what is happening is
> polyamory
> or not, but whether you and your partner are acting out of love versus
> fear
> and can you all design a relationship pattern that works for you two. It
> doesn't have to work for anyone else, except you two.
>
> Think about what's important in a relationship, is it honesty? Is it
> sexual
> exclusivity? Is it primacy? Is it mutual support? Is it openness? Is
> it.....?
>
> Look at those things you say are important. Ask yourself if you are
> willing
> to pay the price to keep that relationship element in place? Ask yourself
> if it's really something you want or is it something that you have grown
> to
> expect out of habit/social conditioning/"that's the way it's done".
>
> Essentially, you all have the freedom to design a relationship that works
> for you two, welcome that freedom. It's wonderfully challenging work that
> involves getting to know yourself really well, tearing down walls you have
> built between yourself and others, learning to live without some of your
> protective armor.
>
> There are a ton of love songs about "some body done some body wrong", you
> all have the chance to create a love song around the ever expansiveness of
> love. It all depends on how you want to frame the problem. That is
> solely
> your choice.
>
> Christine
>
> -----Original Message-----
> From: uupoly-l-bounces+kb4wyr=fhrd.net@uupa.org
> [mailto:uupoly-l-bounces+kb4wyr=fhrd.net@uupa.org] On Behalf Of Dale
> Woolson
> Sent: Monday, January 21, 2008 8:36 PM
> To: uupoly-l@uupa.org
> Subject: [UUPoly-L] poly vs affair
>
> HI all,
> This is my first time writing although I have been to the site before.
> I would like some help in understanding some things about polyamory. My
> partner and I are lesbians, she is 43 and I am 54. We have been attracted
> to
> each other(unknown to the other) for over 15 years, but were always in
> other
> relationships before we knew the other was available. In August of 2003 we
> finally admitted our love for each other and began to date. She was in a
> relationship but I was led to believe it was on the rocks. So even tho I
> knew better I pursued the relationship and she went with it too.We ended
> up
> living together by that January.
> Val has often brought up polyamory and we would discuss it a little. Then
> drop it for months or longer. Each time I would tell her that I didn't
> think
> I was but would be willing to learn more about it and if need be go to
> therapy to explore if I could do it. I told Val that I loved her enough to
> do this because I didn't want our relationship to end. I started looking
> on
> line a couple years ago to learn more and found the UUPA. It has given me
> some insight and helped me to understand the principles behaind polyamory.
>
> Now the reason for my subject heading. In mid December Val went to a
> psych
> hospital to work on some old wounds and her eating disorder (she is
> overweight). We both agreed that this was the right thing to do and she
> had
> been in therapy for the last year, wanting to finally be free of her
> "demons". We knew it would be hard for her and hopefully life changing.
> Well, it sure became life changing but not in a way either of us could
> have
> imagined. She was there 2 weeks and really started to open up and look at
> her "stuff". It was very painful for her but she said she was willing to
> do
> the "work". I heard from her every day and could hear the pain but also
> the
> hope that she was getting thru this. Then after a week or so I began to
> hear less of her "stuff" and more about this Mel person. Long story short
> she "fell in love" with a lesbian there and when she came home she told me
> she had "met someone" and wanted to explore a relationship with her.
> Needless to say I am devastated
> and never saw this twist coming. Three days after coming home she left
> town to go see her. She continued to say she was acting out of her
> desire
> for a polyamorus lifestyle but I told her that as far as I had learned
> this
> was not polyamory. To me it looked and felt more like an affair. She has
> been back to see her new friend 3 times since coming home 1/9/08. We have
> started to talk a little better lately. but I can't help but wonder if
> this
> is truly polyamory or is she fooling herself? We are going to couples
> counseling tomorrow to start seeing where we're going. I am nervous but
> willing to go.
>
> If anyone can shed some light or hope or whatever please do
> thanks so much
> dale
>
>
>
>
> ---------------------------------
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