Re: [UUPoly-L] poly vs affair

I think this goes back to the earlier discussion of limerance, where the
brain chemistry activates the limbic part of the brain and sort of overrides
the cortex where rational decisions are made. I have done things in this
condition that were not very loving to my primary partner, and against my
agreements, in order to get the object of my limerance (LO) to do things
both of us knew we should not do, and fortuately, my LO was not in limerance
over me, so she kept it clean. I apologized and my brain chemistry returned
to a more normal (what ever that is for me?) state.

What I have learned from studying limerance is that one must not let the
rational mind be overrun, and this is a very conscious decision. ("I will
not violate my agreements just because it feels SO VERY GOOD".) Without
awareness of the power of brain chemistry, it is easy to let NRE run the
show. People get hurt, relationships suffer, etc. 

Dave

-----Original Message-----
From: uupoly-l-bounces+airsafe1=comcast.net@uupa.org
[mailto:uupoly-l-bounces+airsafe1=comcast.net@uupa.org] On Behalf Of K
Morgan-Davie
Sent: Tuesday, January 22, 2008 5:43 AM
To: uupoly-l@uupa.org; redlakeloon@yahoo.com
Subject: Re: [UUPoly-L] poly vs affair

All,
Appreciating the comments of others, particularly by Christine and Dorothy,
but I have a question from my own story:
 What is to be done in the situation I described, where the partner, who we
still love and cherish, who we *want* to be happy , and want to support in
their new love, seems suddenly unable to share?
 I truely felt (and it seems like Dale does too) that the new relationship
would make my partner a happier, more complete person, and so I helped them
meet, let her use my car (she didn't own one) and  began with joy, because
she was so obviously happy - but the shared joy never flowed both ways, and
even my  very non-intrusive "How'd it go?" after a date, in hopes of sharing
her joy, was taken to be me competing for her attention - an invasion of her
"freedom" and right to choose.
 Compersion is a wonderful concept, and a wonderful reality when it happens,
but I think it takes two.  It is not always enough that I take joy in my
partner's joy - they must also *allow* me to do so, by remaining engaged and
loving and honest and fair...  Compersion doesn't (it seems to me!) happen
in a vacuum. At least not all the time.
 Blessings - Keith



On Jan 21, 2008 10:24 PM, Christine Heinsohn <kb4wyr@fhrd.net> wrote:

> Dale,
>
> Thanks for sharing your thoughts and concerns with us.  It is a brave 
> act to be so open.
>
> I have been in your shoes to some extent, trying to make sense of a 
> partner's actions.  Trying to line those actions up with a definition 
> of polyamory and feeling like the actions didn't quite fit my 
> understanding of what polyamory was.  Which lead to the obvious 
> understanding on my part that he was wrong and I was right!  
> Hmmm...great big trap...and you are stepping quite close to it.
>
> I don't think the important thing is whether what is happening is 
> polyamory or not, but whether you and your partner are acting out of 
> love versus fear and can you all design a relationship pattern that 
> works for you two.  It doesn't have to work for anyone else, except 
> you two.
>
> Think about what's important in a relationship, is it honesty?  Is it 
> sexual exclusivity?  Is it primacy?  Is it mutual support?  Is it 
> openness?  Is it.....?
>
> Look at those things you say are important.  Ask yourself if you are 
> willing to pay the price to keep that relationship element in place?  
> Ask yourself if it's really something you want or is it something that 
> you have grown to expect out of habit/social conditioning/"that's the 
> way it's done".
>
> Essentially, you all have the freedom to design a relationship that 
> works for you two, welcome that freedom.  It's wonderfully challenging 
> work that involves getting to know yourself really well, tearing down 
> walls you have built between yourself and others, learning to live 
> without some of your protective armor.
>
> There are a ton of love songs about "some body done some body wrong", 
> you all have the chance to create a love song around the ever 
> expansiveness of love.  It all depends on how you want to frame the 
> problem.  That is solely your choice.
>
> Christine
>
> -----Original Message-----
> From: uupoly-l-bounces+kb4wyr=fhrd.net@uupa.org
> [mailto:uupoly-l-bounces+kb4wyr=fhrd.net@uupa.org] On Behalf Of Dale 
> Woolson
> Sent: Monday, January 21, 2008 8:36 PM
> To: uupoly-l@uupa.org
> Subject: [UUPoly-L] poly vs affair
>
> HI all,
> This is my first time writing although I have been to the site before.
> I would like some help in understanding some things about polyamory. 
> My partner and I are lesbians, she is 43 and I am 54. We have been 
> attracted to each other(unknown to the other) for over 15 years, but 
> were always in other relationships before we knew the other was 
> available. In August of 2003 we finally admitted our love for each 
> other and began to date. She was in a relationship but I was led to 
> believe it was on the rocks. So even tho I knew better I pursued the 
> relationship and she went with it too.We ended up living together by 
> that January.
> Val has often brought up polyamory and we would discuss it a little. 
> Then drop it for months or longer. Each time I would tell her that I 
> didn't think I was but would be willing to learn more about it and if 
> need be go to therapy to explore if I could do it. I told Val that I 
> loved her enough to do this because I didn't want our relationship to 
> end. I started looking on line a couple years ago to learn more and 
> found the UUPA. It has given me some insight and helped me to 
> understand the principles behaind polyamory.
>
> Now the reason for my subject heading.  In mid December Val went to a 
> psych hospital to work on some old wounds and her eating disorder (she 
> is overweight). We both agreed that this was the right thing to do and 
> she had been in therapy for the last year, wanting to finally be free 
> of her "demons". We knew it would be hard for her and hopefully life 
> changing.
> Well, it sure became life changing but not in a way either of us could 
> have imagined. She was there 2 weeks and really started to open up and 
> look at her "stuff".  It was very painful for her but she said she was 
> willing to do the "work".  I heard from her every day and could hear 
> the pain but also the hope that she was getting thru this.  Then after 
> a week or so I began to hear less of her "stuff" and more about this 
> Mel person. Long story short she "fell in love" with a lesbian there 
> and when she came home she told me she had "met someone" and wanted to 
> explore a relationship with her.
> Needless to say I am devastated
>  and never saw this twist coming.  Three days after coming home she 
> left town to go see her.  She continued  to say she was acting out of 
> her desire for a polyamorus lifestyle but I told her that as far as I 
> had learned this was not polyamory. To me it looked and felt more like 
> an affair.  She has been back to see her new friend 3 times since 
> coming home 1/9/08.  We have started to talk a little better lately.  
> but I can't help but wonder if this is truly polyamory or is she 
> fooling herself?  We are going to couples counseling tomorrow to start 
> seeing where we're going. I am nervous but willing to go.
>
> If anyone can shed some light or hope or whatever please do thanks so 
> much dale
>
>
>
>
> ---------------------------------
> Be a better friend, newshound, and know-it-all with Yahoo! Mobile.  
> Try it now.
> _______________________________________________
> The UUPoly-L mailing list has public archives.
> Please keep that in mind when deciding how much to reveal about yourself.
> UUPoly-L mailing list
> UUPoly-L@uupa.org
> http://www.uupa.org/mailman/listinfo/uupoly-l
>
>
>
> _______________________________________________
> The UUPoly-L mailing list has public archives.
> Please keep that in mind when deciding how much to reveal about yourself.
> UUPoly-L mailing list
> UUPoly-L@uupa.org
> http://www.uupa.org/mailman/listinfo/uupoly-l
>
_______________________________________________
The UUPoly-L mailing list has public archives.
Please keep that in mind when deciding how much to reveal about yourself.
UUPoly-L mailing list
UUPoly-L@uupa.org
http://www.uupa.org/mailman/listinfo/uupoly-l
This archive was generated by a fusion of Pipermail (Mailman edition) and MHonArc.