[UUPoly-L] Limerence and NRE

[Fritz Neumann <fritzcat66@yahoo.com>]

Just as a side note regarding brain chemistry and such... While I know the
temptation is to equate limerence with NRE, I actually think there's a
distinction between the two.

Limerence is essentially a manifestation of the ancient, reptile-brained
neurochemical pair-bonding process, designed to cause a pair to want to bond,
mate, produce offspring, and care for the crotchfruit until it's relatively
viable - for the ape homo sapiens, this programming runs its course in 2-7
years, and the brain-state changes are visible to modern imaging equipment such
as PET and fMRI (and, by the way, remarkably similar to the brain-state maps of
someone suffering from OCD - obsessive-compulsive disorder - so much so that
limerence might clinically be defined as a *temporary* form of OCD).

However, New Relationship Energy, as its name implies, is a metaphorical energy
created by the overall relationship. Now, in typical mono relationships, this
is so inextricably tied with the limerent state that the two terms are pretty
much synonymous. However, in poly relationships things can be different. I know
from personal experience that it it possible to feel the energy from a new
relationship even if the new relationship (with its attendant limerence) is NOT
my own; e.g. when a close companion - part of my close poly family - becomes
romantically involved with a new love, yet still also continues in the (now
post-limerent) relationship with me, I can find myself also involved in the
overall energy: the new relationship energy, or NRE.

This is what makes me think the two are somewhat distinct: because, in essence,
one does not necessarily have to be involved as a limerent or a limerent
object, yet still feel NRE.

Also, Tennov in her studies determined that some people seem to be
"limerence-immune". Yet these folks still have relationships, and those
relationships still follow predictable patterns of lots of mutual attention and
energy early on. Using the terminology as I have here set out, one could
describe these as still having NRE, just without limerence.

This is of course speculation on my part. No clinical studies have been done on
NRE because, well, frankly I don't think the researchers even know about or
understand the term. But having studied the literature and given presentations
on limerence and NRE for years now, I think there's something to my hunch.

I do think David gives here a decent account of what it's like to become
embroiled in limerence, and then to "wake up" and shake it off sometime later
when the rose-colored glasses effect wears off. In his case, the other partner
was non-limerent, which seems to have had a moderating effect on the whole
arrangement. The hard thing is when one's longterm partner becomes limerent for
another and that limerence is returned... because then the one who is
non-limerent, when trying to inject rationality into the discussion, can so
easily be accused of jealousy or exclusionary tactics, even if that's not the
case, because a limerent pair tends to become protective of their new
pair-bond.

This is why I think it's worth understanding and discussing limerence and NRE
and the neurochemistry in our own monkey brains BEFORE becoming limerently
involved, ESPECIALLY in poly relationships: so that, when the rose-colored
glasses of limerence get BOLTED to our skulls, at least we have some idea that
we're seeing through that filter, and perhaps - just maybe - we can listen to
our non-limerent partner with respect for their more objective attitude, all
the while understanding that our deep-seated programming will tend to try and
EXCLUDE them, whether we call ourselves "poly" or not.

  >*< Fritz


--- David Hall <airsafe1@comcast.net> wrote:

> I think this goes back to the earlier discussion of limerance, where the
> brain chemistry activates the limbic part of the brain and sort of overrides
> the cortex where rational decisions are made. I have done things in this
> condition that were not very loving to my primary partner, and against my
> agreements, in order to get the object of my limerance (LO) to do things
> both of us knew we should not do, and fortuately, my LO was not in limerance
> over me, so she kept it clean. I apologized and my brain chemistry returned
> to a more normal (what ever that is for me?) state.
> 
> What I have learned from studying limerance is that one must not let the
> rational mind be overrun, and this is a very conscious decision. ("I will
> not violate my agreements just because it feels SO VERY GOOD".) Without
> awareness of the power of brain chemistry, it is easy to let NRE run the
> show. People get hurt, relationships suffer, etc. 
> 
> Dave