Re: [UUPoly-L] The Great Open Marriage Catastrophe

[Desmond Ravenstone <desmondravenstone@yahoo.com>]

--- Moonstorm Erosong <mnstrm@erosong.net> wrote:
 
>> Fairly often when I come out to some UU as poly, or
engage with some UU in a conversation about poly, I'll
get some response like, "We tried that back in the
70s; it didn't work."  Occasionally I'll hear some
long-standing UU talk about "how open marriage nearly
killed UUism in the 70s."  They never say much about
it, and I am left regretting that, although I've been
a UU since I was 12, I spent the 70s pretty much
submerged in med school and residency.  I didn't
really return to active church participation until the
early 90s, ... So, I am always left tantalizingly
wondering about this legendary "Great UU Open Marriage
Catasphrophe" of the 1970's.

I was still in elementary school at that time, and my
parents steered clear of any religious group (don't
think my father walked into a UU church until
recently, and only for contract bridge).  However,
when I heard of this I did some research on the Open
Marriage movement of that time period, which was not
confined to UU congregations, and which was quite
different from contemporary polyamory.  Still, these
are second-hand observations, and I would certainly
defer to those who have a more direct and in-depth
understanding of this episode in UU history.

[For the purpose of being succint, I'll refer to the
1970's Open Marriage Movement as "OMMp", whereas all
references to "poly" meaning polyamory as it has
evolved to the present day.]

First: The major impetus for OMMp was the 1972 book
"Open Marriage" by Nena and George O'Neill.  This book
became, for lack of a better term, the "manual" for
the movement.  Contrast that with the multiple
resources and influences of poly.

Second: Many people in OMMp were not just advocating
open marriage as a voluntary option, but as "the next
step" in the evolution of marriage.  Compare that to
the poly perspective that monogamy and non-monogamy
(and celibacy, too) are a range of relationship
options from which people can choose what is best for
themselves.

Third: The observations of OMMp which I read or heard
indicated that they tended more towards the swing end
of the spectrum of non-monogamous relating

Fourth: Most of the anecdotes I've heard indicate that
there was a high prevalence of men pressuring their
female partners to "open their relationship" to a
younger female partner, often with the same male
partner then pursuing possible "thirds" within their
UU congregations.  How prevalent this was, and how
much these perceptions were colored by the observers'
own attitudes, would be difficult for me to gauge.  In
looking at the wider OMMp, however, it would seem that
this pattern was quite prevalent; further evidence is
later commentary from the O'Neills themselves, who
have modified their ideas more in line with
contemporary poly as well as feminist values of gender
equality and authentic partnership.

Fifth: I mention feminism because, like OMMp, its
second wave was also developing at that time and was
becoming influential within the UUA.  In fact, there
were several trends which had emerged and become
active within our denomination.  I would therefore
argue that, to say that OMMp was a negative influence
within UUism is to oversimplify and overgeneralize
what was really going on at that time.  Certainly such
a viewpoint filters out positive examples of
fulfilling open marriages and relationships which
started at that time (perhaps even before) and
continued on.

So, there are my observations on the "Great Open
Marriage Catastrophe", again with the caveat that they
are second-hand.  Yet I've found that, to equate
contemporary poly with OMMp is like equating todays'
UUism with historical Unitarian and Universalist
theology and practice.  Communities and movements grow
and evolve, often in interaction with other
communities and movements.  Imagine if people, on
hearing of UUism, thought only of the liberal
Christianity of Channing and Ballou, and retorted:
"We've tried that, it didn't work, it was a
disaster..."


Desmond Ravenstone 

******************** 

  Oklahoma State Rep. Sally Kern believes homosexuality is "the biggest threat our nation has, even more so than terrorism or Islam."  Wow!  Couldn't let that by ...
  Read my letter to her at http://www.myspace.com/desmond_ravenstone
   



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