Re: [UUPoly-L] The Great Open Marriage Catastrophe
I was a teen UU in the 1970's and in Boston. My father was UU
minister and my mother a feminist pioneering human potential movement
therapist. As an adult i am researching polyamory for my doctorate in
psychology and sexology. The "open marriage" term was made popular by
the book of that name and it was kind of a manual of the times. I have
3 responses to people who say - that open marriage thing was a
catastrophe and didn't work.
one is - at the time, and now, people who try new ways of doing things
may very well fail at it if they don't have guidance as they go along.
Since there was little guidance at the time, that's why many people
'failed". what they then did, i don;t know - probably resumed their
thinking that monogamy is easier and more secure and kept trying that.
I have seen couples do the same thing now - it's not time specific -
they may enthusiastically try an open format for any number of
reasons. it works for a little while, but when they run into snags, IF
they don't come back into the office to talk these out and learn about
options of ways to deal with these snags, and sort out issues,
eventually they fall apart. In addition, open marriage is not a "fix
all"> it 'fails" as often as does monogamy - or works as often as
does monogamy. Open marriage being one form of poly, any studies we do
have show that poly is as long - or short - term term and as
successful - or not - as monogamy. so - what were people expecting
with the open marriage?
two is - what ever kind of relationship people have, individuals and
their problems are involved. When a typically monogamous couple comes
in for counseling, it is not the training of therapists to question if
monogamy is part of the problem. we look at each individuals issues
and sort out what is going on between them. If a couple - or more -
come in for counseling in an alternative relationship format, incl if
a partner is bisexual, the tendency is to blame the relationship
style. People bring their problems and issues to whatever kind of
relationship they have. it needs to be sorted out what has to do with
each person, and what with the relationship format. and again - then,
what are the problems with the format and how can people tweek things
to make them work. or not. just bcs open or poly rlshps don't work for
some people, well - monogamy is no sweeping success either. Our
culture has a hard time admitting that no matter how long the divorce
rate remains at 50%.
three is - the social changes of the 1960's/1970s was far more than a
passing phase of american hippies. It may have been most visible or
even centered in north america. but my studies of family and marriage
styles around the world for my research has revealed that in every
corner of the earth from large "civilized" countries to small tribal
islands, things have changed since the 1960's. one way or another,
some good and some unfortunate ways, family and marriage styles have
been influenced by more open, egalitarian, and feminist values.
conversely - in a few places that already WERE open and egalitarian,
like I said a FEW, western colonization has done it's best to ruin
things.
Even though several people say they've heard other UU's or persons
speak about an open marriage catastrophe of that time period, those
people are really speaking about their own experience and saying -
"that open marriage thing didn't work for me". and to the extent that
UU-ism may have embraced the idea of open relationships back then -
which i doubt happened on a huge scale - UU was still fairly
traditional in many areas then, still saying the lords prayer and
using older hymnals etc. IN the big centers like Boston, they were
dealing with racism and draft card burners - supporting those causes.
i don't think the church as a body was considering adopting a stance
on open marriage. I think we can all see how UU's might be more open
to new rlshp ideas at the time, and there may have been UU's forming
discussion or social issues groups about it. Heck gay rights were
coming out publicly too then, everything was.
The one idea of open marriage in the public eye helped to open the way
for now, and those calling it "open marriage" were hardly the only
ones doing anything like that. Uu's were not the only ones. Plenty of
people i've heard from, interviewed, etc. say they were always poly,
before there was a word for it. that started in the 1960's too.
further - people who pretend they are no longer hippies are just
deluding themsleves, in my opinion! hippie is a state of heart and an
influence in their lives...and wasn't as good for some as for others.
but it was a definitive social paradigm shift that effected the entire
world. cannot be reduced to = an open marriage experiment that failed.
it's not either/or. the world changed. we hear from some folks who had
a negative experience with what was called open marriage. plenty had
positive ones, and are still together today in poly relationships.
Rhea
Rhea Orion, Ph.D.(c), MFTi#47311
AASECT Certified Sex Counselor
Napa, CA
707-255-4249
holisticounseling.org
aslana@mac.com
On Mar 15, 2008, at 8:37 AM, Jason Klueber wrote:
On Sat, Mar 15, 2008 at 11:32 AM, Moonstorm Erosong <mnstrm@erosong.net
> wrote:
If there's anyone out there who actually lived through that period
as a UU
and can share with us what happened, I'd be deeply grateful.
I didn't live through it, but I've gotten that response, too. I'd
love to know more, myself.
It always seems to come from people who gave up being hippies when it
stopped being cool, too...
J
--
Jason Klueber
"The universe puts us in places where we can learn. They are never
easy places, but they are right. Wherever we are is the right place
and the right time. The pain that sometimes comes... is part of the
process of constantly being born." --Delenn, "A Distant Star"
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