Re: [UUPoly-L] Need help with jealousy

stargazngal <stargazngal@yahoo.com> · Thu, 06 Nov 2008 17:41:20 -0000

JennyLynn,

Hi...I'm in a somewhat similar situation.  I've been with my hubby for 24 years (married 19), and we decided to open our marriage about a year ago.  In my case it was because I had only been with one partner before hubby (and have been mono since meeting him).   I really wanted to experience being with another man, as well as explore my bisexual side.  I have yet to find a ladyfriend, but do have a boyfriend at this point.  Hubby would like a girlfriend (ideally a friend for both of us), but that has not happened yet either.

My bf is married and poly, although not currently seeing anyone else but me, although he has since we met, and may again.  I TOTALLY understand the fears you are feeling.  My bf lives over 2 hours away, and I don't get to see him often.  When we have long spells of not seeing each other, my mind tends to think along the lines that he's going to find a friend closer to him and drop me.  The concept of me not being as good in bed as others is also an issue for me, perhaps because I haven't had many lovers, and he has had many.  

I really loved K Kylev 's response.  Opening our marriage has opened my heart and eyes to the fact that not all love is the same.  It's not always easy for me to remember that, but I try. I sometimes expect that my relationship with my bf should be similar in nature to what I have with hubby, but I know in my heart that that is impossible, for various reasons..  I think in my case I'm just used to a certain type of relationship, being mono so long, that I've had to learn to open my heart in a different fashion.  

Your master is poly, which means HE can emotionally deal with various lovers.  That also means that most likely he is not going to drop you because of another playmate that lives closer to him.  He may add lovers, but that does not mean he doesn't want you anymore, it just means he's poly.  Trust me, this is something I've had to remind myself numerous times.  In my case, I've learned to have more realistic expectations, which has also helped.

I'm sending positive energy your way and hope that you will find inner peace with this.

Stargazngal

--- On Wed, 11/5/08, JennyLynn Oh <jennylynn.oh@gmail.com> wrote:

From: JennyLynn Oh <jennylynn.oh@gmail.com>
Subject: [UUPoly-L] Need help with jealousy
To: uupoly-l@uupa.org
Date: Wednesday, November 5, 2008, 1:57 PM

Is anyone else out there just "slightly" poly?  Let me
elaborate...I'm
married, and we decided to make it an open marriage about a  year ago.  The
reason was, I'm interested in bdsm but my husband is not, so in order to
have my needs met, I'm free to find a partner that engages in bdsm with me.
I love my husband, and I love my Master, although in very different ways.  I
also sense that I have no need for partners beyond what I have.

Currently, my Master lives about an hour away, in Austin, but this Saturday
he's flying to Seattle to start a new job.  He'll fly back
occasionally, and
I'll visit him as often as we can manage, but our time together will
obviously be limited from here on out.  My Master is also poly, but
differently than me.  He said that he may have play partners in Seattle,
maybe another sub, whatever comes his way that meets his needs.

This absolutely terrifies me.  I feel that it's only a matter of time
before
I'm replaced and forgotten.  The thought of my Master with another woman
scares me to no end.  I worry about him comparing me to someone else and I
just know that I'll come up short.  He's assured me that the slice of
his
life that I occupy is mine and can't be taken away.  I also know that
because of our dynamic, I can't control what he does (nor would I want to).
He has a high sex drive, and I wouldn't want him to be out there and not
getting his needs met.  And apart from sex, I don't want him to be
lonely--I
want him to have companionship and friends.  But....I'm just so scared.  I
worry that the first time he's with someone, I'll be a wreck knowing
that
he's holding someone else in his arms.

Can anyone offer some advice about how to deal with jealousy like this?  Any
good books to read?  Anything?

Thanks in advance
Jen
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