[UUPoly-L] Graphic, Thomas, privacy concerns, new topic, and off-topic posts this week

[Rosemary Amico <sophygurl@yahoo.com>]

Once again, I've not been able to keep up on a daily basis, but wanted to share some of the thoughts that have come up in various conversations this past week. 
First of all, I'm really excited to see people getting back on topic. Thanks to those of you who got things back on track! [See final part of my message.]

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Alex: I like the graphic! Is this someone we can use or link to, with credit and permission? Or are you simply sharing your artwork with us? Either way - good going. :)

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Thomas, you said:
"Thank you for your comments. I think your assessment of my situation is very accurate. My marriage may be in more trouble than I would like to admit. My wife and I did go to see a psychologist/marriage counselor. She did not like what she was told and never went back. We do have a communication problem and I am not good at facing problems straight on. That being said, she has absolutely no sex drive, does not lubricate and finds penetration very painful (even with jelly). As I said, we have not been intimate in the last six years and she has never even masturbated once in many years.

I guess I need to make a decision. If I want to stay married I need to shut up and accept life as it is. If not, then I must bite the bullet and ask for a divorce. Although being Poly sounds interesting and exciting, it seems to be full of complications and emotional pitfalls. Perhaps I am just too conservative. I have much to think about."

It sounds to me like your wife may have a physical and/or emotional dysfunction sexually. This is something that is likely treatable. However, her insistence on not doing anything about - not seeking help - is not treatable. She needs to come to that decision on her own, and you need to decide if you can manage being in a relationship with someone who not only has no sexual drive but has no desire to change/work on that. 

I still think it's possible that she just has some emotional blocks up about it, and gently pressuring her to seek help for the sake of herself and your relationship *might* work. It's worth a try. 

"Shutting up and accepting life as it is" doesn't sound like a terribly healthy option to me. You and your wife both have feelings and needs, and while you've been respecting hers - you also need to find ways to honor yours. 

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About the privacy concerns that came up: is there a way to keep the list public as far as content, but keep individual email addresses from being connected to the public archives? It seems like people's main concern is having their email address being so publicly available. I've no idea how these things work, but if there's a compromise between staying public and yet protecting people's privacy, should we make that compromise?

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I'd like to bring up a topic for discussion, myself. 
Things are going smoothly right now in the new poly relationship my long-time partner and I are exploring. I find it interesting how shocked he is about how well I'm responding to things now that we've got our "contract" stuff settled. I was really insecure at first, but now feel very comfortable. 
In particular, when he's had insecurities about the new relationship in his life and has talked to me about it, I've comforted and encouraged him. He said at first he felt bad about it, like somehow it was wrong for him to lean on me about issues with another woman. I said I thought it was completely normal. If he were feeling insecure about a friendship or other relationship, he would come to me and I would support him, and since I support his relationship with this other woman, why shouldn't I support him in his insecurities with her? 
He was also discussing something nice he wanted to do for her since she's struggling a bit right now, and I helped him come up with ideas and we discussed whether it should come from both of us or just him. He was surprised that I was not only okay with his wanting to do this, but that I wanted to be a part of it. 

What are some of your experiences with this kind of thing? Have your partners been surprised at your compersion or ability to accept and be okay with things - especially those of you who transitioned from mono to poly style relationships?

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Finally, I just want to say how frustrated I have been this week with the majority of the posts flooding my inbox from this group. The fact that this is an active list is slightly difficult for me to manage, but I also appreciate the different perspectives and discussions going on, so I'm happy to weed through things and take time out to respond once a week or so. 
I'm very new to this list and I have to say that, this past week, this list was not making a very good impression. The first two weeks of my membership were nice - I lurked for a week until I felt comfortable and then jumped in and got into a few nice convos. And then - all of a sudden it was like I was on a totally different mailing list!
So much off-topic nasty in-fighting! What was the point of all that? A little bit of off-topic discussion is fine for a social and active list, of course, but after awhile it got really annoying. I felt like people were making long drawn out snarky posts in order to one up one another and then adding a one liner at the bottom of each post trying to connect the whole thing to either poly or UU issues. That does NOT make an email on-topic, folks! 

Can I please respectfully request, as others have already done, that when things begin to get THAT FAR off-topic, that the individuals involved go off-list to finish their discussions/debates/fights/snark-fests? It's really no fun for the rest of us. And you can say all you want that we can just delete the emails, but when you're getting several new emails an hour from the list, it does tend to get difficult to figure out who is saying what about which topic where and you end up having to at least sift through all of the messages, and it does get frustrating.

If THIS has been my first week after joining, I would not have stopped lurking and started posting - I would have left the group altogether. I'm glad it didn't happen that way, because I feel like this could be a great group for me. 
But can someone please assure me, and any other newcomers to the list who might be wondering, that this list isn't always this explosive and off-topic and mean??


-Rosemary
http://sophy.livejournal.com/
"The less I seek my source for some definitive
The closer I am to fine."
Indigo Girls