Re: [UUPoly-L] Rosemary...concerning your new topic

[stargazngal <stargazngal@yahoo.com>]

Hi Rosemary,
 
I am in  poly relationship after 24 years of being mono with my husband (19 married).  I've had a boyfriend for about 4-5 months now.  I've struggled with how much emotionally I should reveal to hubby about different things that are going on in my relationship with my boyfriend.  Each time I open up, I am amazed how supportive hubby has been.  For example, my friend lives in another state, a good 2 hours from us.  Due to a conflict of schedules, we haven't seen each other since the end of August.  It looked like we were going to get the other day, and it didn;t work out.  I was trying not to be too disappointed, and hubby gave me a huge hug and said "I'm sorry it didn;t work out, I know how much you wanted to see him".  While that may sound like something little, it was huge to me, emotionally.  His complete support is just overwhelming to me at times.
 
Our experience is that I've been the one with the most issues with going poly, even though I'm the one with the boyfriend.  I've had to overcome guilt for "changing" our traditional marriage, all self-imposed.  I've also had to try to find a balance with what to discuss, and what should be kept between 2 lovers.
 
I'm not sure if I've helped you Rosemary, but quite honestly, our ability to talk to each other about this is such an open manner has enhanced our marriage sooo much.  We've always had an amazing marriage, but opening our marriage has liberated us both in ways that are often difficult to put into words.  To have a lover of almost a quarter of a century tell you they have so much confidence in our relationship that adding another partner is not going to affect that love is truly an amazing experience that I wish more people would discover.
 
 
Stargazngal
 


 
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I'd like to bring up a topic for discussion, myself. 
Things are going smoothly right now in the new poly relationship my long-time
partner and I are exploring. I find it interesting how shocked he is about how
well I'm responding to things now that we've got our
"contract" stuff settled. I was really insecure at first, but now feel
very comfortable. 
In particular, when he's had insecurities about the new relationship in his
life and has talked to me about it, I've comforted and encouraged him. He
said at first he felt bad about it, like somehow it was wrong for him to lean on
me about issues with another woman. I said I thought it was completely normal.
If he were feeling insecure about a friendship or other relationship, he would
come to me and I would support him, and since I support his relationship with
this other woman, why shouldn't I support him in his insecurities with her? 
He was also discussing something nice he wanted to do for her since she's
struggling a bit right now, and I helped him come up with ideas and we discussed
whether it should come from both of us or just him. He was surprised that I was
not only okay with his wanting to do this, but that I wanted to be a part of it.


What are some of your experiences with this kind of thing? Have your partners
been surprised at your compersion or ability to accept and be okay with things -
especially those of you who transitioned from mono to poly style relationships?

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