Re: [UUPoly-L] Another Case of Mono After a Failed 3 Month PolyRelationship (paul)

["Catherine Deville" <catdeville@cox.net>]

Desmond points out:
<<Another way of looking at it is in comparison with a bisexual individual
whose first 2 or 3 same-sex relationships have been negative.  Does that
mean they cease being attracted to others of the same sex, or that they
could never have a fulfilling same-sex relationship?>>

I can answer that one directly from my own experience.  For the most part,
my "same-sex" relationships have not been healthy relationships.  Then
again, they've hardly been relationships at all.  They ended before they
ever had time to become full relationships, and in all three cases I lost
the person I'd been friends with before the relationship after the
relationship "failed".  So I think I can safely say that my first 4  (or 5)
same-sex relationships were "negative", or ended "badly" (not the way I
would have liked them to have ended) and it definitely impacted the way that
I perceive *my* ability to conduct same sex relationships.  

Does that mean that I cease to be attracted to others of the same sex.
Certainly not.  Does it mean I can never have a fulfilling same-sex
relationship... that remains to be seen.  It *does* mean that I'm more
cautious about forming relationships with women.  It does mean that I have
been forced to examine my own attitudes towards developing relationships
with women, and the way that I build relationships with women in general.
It does not mean that I see lesbian relationships as inherently unhealthy...
it does mean that I perceive the way that *I* relate to women as inherently
faulty, and I am seeking to repair that "flaw" in my own
personality/relationship dynamic before I seek out another lesbian
relationship. 

Does this mean that I would not pursue another lesbian/bisexual relationship
if the right person came along?  Absolutely not! O.K.  Let me be honest, I
*hope* not.  It does, however, mean that if another woman comes along that I
fall in love with, I'm going to be very sensitive to and aware of how I'm
building that relationship and I'm going to be alert to trying to prevent
the same mistakes I made in prior relationships from happening again.

And I think the analogy is a good one.  IMO neither poly nor monogamous
relationship styles are "inherently flawed" in any way... each has it's
challenges and pitfalls, and some people are more suited to one than to the
other.  But when a relationship fails, it's almost never the relationship
style, although it may be that it's inappropriate for one person or another
in a relationship to be trying to *live* that particular relationship style.
It's more challenging, for example, for most naturally monogamous people to
be in a polyamorous relationship.  It's also more challenging for many
polyamorous people to commit to be in a monogamous relationship.  

And in the story I'm hearing, I'm perceiving that may have been the *real*
problem.  It sounds to me a lot like Paul was threatened by his past lover's
having men in her life, and rather than dealing with those jealousy, self
image and inadequacy issues (which is part of being in a poly relationship,
as far as I'm concerned), he asked for something from his partner that she
may have been unwilling or unable (at her heart) to give him - monogamy (or
at least *gender* monogamy.)  Because of this they set up a rule that was
unlikely to work for both partners because it denied the core needs of one
partner.  This is a good way to "fail" at polyamory. Then when his partner
violated that bad rule, he felt betrayed and lied to.  And, of course, he
was right to feel that way, as he had been betrayed and lied to... but that
happened because they set themselves up for failure.  And, unfortunately,
most people (not just poly people), when a core need is denied, will lie and
cheat to get that core need met.  Why do you think that such a high
percentage of monogamous people "cheat" in the first place? 

So don't blame polyamory.  Blame the fact that too many people are unwilling
to be honest about their own issues and needs.  Blame the fact that people
will make compromises between integrity and getting what they want.  Blame
the fact that if you ask someone to do something that they later find isn't
working for them, they're too often likely to take the easy way out and lie
rather than be honest and renegotiate.  Blame it on the fact that people are
people, people are fallible and too often choose the selfish path rather
than the path of commitment and integrity.  Because these things aren't
inherent to polyamory or monogamy... they're inherent to human personal
dynamics.

NT, 
Cat