Re: [UUPoly-L] Noob

[Rosemary Amico <sophygurl@yahoo.com>]

Hello everyone. I'm new here, and while I'm not new to the concept of poly, I'm newly starting out practicing it. 
My partner, Dave, and I have been together for eight years, and we both had learned about poly and decided we were poly before getting together. We've been mostly monogamous with one another, with the intent that if the right person/people came around, we'd consider opening up if the circumstances were right, etc.
Well, we did finally find the right person, and the circumstances were right, and now my boyfriend has another girlfriend! :)

She is totally new to poly, but very willing to do all of the reading and research and we've spent a couple of weeks hammering out a contract that works for all three of us. She's been a friend of ours for many years, but she lives a few states away, so the long distance aspect does make it more difficult. I love her in a friend/family sort of way, and am definitely experiencing this crazy "compersion" thing that I kept reading and hearing about for the both of them.

But of course, I'm also still feeling jealousies and insecurities. They were very strong before we worked out the contract because a lot of my fear was around things happening without my consent or knowledge, or happening too fast due to the NRE without them thinking it through first, etc. Now that we all know where we stand with one another and what all the boundaries and ground rules are - I feel a lot better about it.

It's been wonderful, too, because it has ignited my relationship with Dave, as well. I have a history of sexual abuse and sexual intimacy is very traumatic and difficult for me. We have this workbook with exercises to work on to slowly help us ease into things, and it started feeling like a chore, so we stopped doing it for a long time. We're getting back on the horse this evening and it feels really good to me that his wanting to be with K (the woman), makes him also want to work on being with me in that way again, too. 

I'm trying to be careful not to turn it into a race and push myself faster than I'm comfortable with so that I can, you know, get there first. I think that's an unhealthy goal and is based solely on my more irrational jealousies, so I'm trying to fight it off, but it's difficult. 
OTOH, I'm also trying to listen to my more valid jealousies, such as making sure my relationship with Dave does not change too much too fast just because they're all ooey-gooey NRE and can't stop thinking about one another! We're all trying to find a healthy balance between giving them the time they need together, while still giving us (me and him) quality time together. It's tricky!! 

Any tips, advice, stories, etc. out there for newbie polys going through this for the first time? 

-Rosemary
http://sophy.livejournal.com/
"The less I seek my source for some definitive
The closer I am to fine."
Indigo Girls