Re: [UUPoly-L] Dealing with NRE

Open _ <opensheart@yahoo.com> · Sun, 21 Sep 2008 20:14:49 -0000

I'm more of a poly want-to-be than any experienced person.
And my desires are more of a boy in a candy store than most of the mature comments I read here.  So you can discount this if it is no help.

I would like to try my hand at replying because its a way to ground me into reality and because I want to see answers/support/help for people trying this.  So here goes.

I'm getting the picture of a small boat out in big water.  The people on the boat have all the hopes and dreams of anyone wanting to have a nice time on the water.  They have a direction, a sense of adventure and an reasonable expectation that it is going to be good.

But then they hit some real waves.  Waves that crash over the boat and now they have water sloshing around places that have always been dry before.
I'll point out here that many smaller boats are built to still float even when they are filled with water.  But still the sense of waves overpowering the boat and soaking/flooding everything, to the point there is no dry/safe place to retreat to, is very unnerving.  It would be really hard to maintain the course.  Anyone would turn around and head back to harbor under those conditions.  

On one hand, I don't have any good answers.  Like why go through this scary, unnerving time when it feels close enough to sinking to trigger the ___  reflexes. (don't have a good word there, gaging comes to mind, but it seems too extreme and doesn't fit the word picture.  But some kind of automatic "I have to do something" reflex.

The idea that does come to me is the need for a larger, bigger purpose.  If your purpose is just to have a grand time being the master of your own boat.  That probably is not big enough to sustain you as soon as the waves become the master instead of you.

But if you have a larger reason.   You are trying to rescue someone,  you are trying to deliver emergency supplies, you are fleeing a repressive government.  Then the larger reason can keep you from altering your course.

Thus perhaps it isn't enough to form compacts of behavior.  That is like increasing the skills and preparedness of your boat.  It may increase your resilience against some waves but there is still a point where you say this is too much.

Perhaps there has to be a larger goal.  Why do you believe in Poly.  Will it save the world?  Could it lift humans to live a higher, more mature level?   Is there a spiritual component.   Like do you believe that building a larger network of meaningful lovers in some way makes the universe a better place to be?  Does our lives here affect what LIFE in a larger, universal sense becomes?  If so then plowing through the worst of the storm and coming out the other side could in some amount,  change life from violent, isolated and competitive to connected, cooperative and supportive.

If there were such a larger goal.  Then you could tap into a larger straight.  Something beyond just your own or your relationships best interest.  You could tap into the strenght of FAITH.  A belief that someone has to learn how to make it through for the larger good.  And perhaps a belief like that would help maintain perspective and purpose when the whole galley is awash and everything is coming out of its place.

--- On Sun, 9/21/08, Lydia Stephens <oldhippiechick59@hotmail.com> wrote:

> From: Lydia Stephens <oldhippiechick59@hotmail.com>
> Subject: Re: [UUPoly-L] UUPoly-L Digest, Vol 48, Issue 11
> To: uupoly-l@uupa.org
> Date: Sunday, September 21, 2008, 10:27 AM
> Hi,
>           Thanks for the letter. I can empathize. My
> husband and I also are not new to the poly concept but only
> within the last year have we decided to explore. Also, my
> hubby has found someone and wants to be more them friends.
> There is alot of nre flying around some of it involves me
> because hubby and the woman are getting to know each other
> and they want to include me but  want time alone too. She is
> not sure if she identifies as poly but is straight when both
> of us are bi. They don't want to hurt me and I have alot
> of Jelousy etc. from being mono for 25 years. I'm
> dealing with my compersion having an internal battle with
> emotions left over from being mono. So, any advice ?
>                                                            
>                      l
> 
> > Hello everyone. I'm new here, and while I'm
> not new to the concept of poly, I'm newly starting out
> practicing it. 
> > My partner, Dave, and I have been together for eight
> years, and we both had learned about poly and decided we
> were poly before getting together. We've been mostly
> monogamous with one another, with the intent that if the
> right person/people came around, we'd consider opening
> up if the circumstances were right, etc.
> > Well, we did finally find the right person, and the
> circumstances were right, and now my boyfriend has another
> girlfriend! :)
> > 
> > She is totally new to poly, but very willing to do all
> of the reading and research and we've spent a couple of
> weeks hammering out a contract that works for all three of
> us. She's been a friend of ours for many years, but she
> lives a few states away, so the long distance aspect does
> make it more difficult. I love her in a friend/family sort
> of way, and am definitely experiencing this crazy
> "compersion" thing that I kept reading and hearing
> about for the both of them.
> > 
> > But of course, I'm also still feeling jealousies
> and insecurities. They were very strong before we worked out
> the contract because a lot of my fear was around things
> happening without my consent or knowledge, or happening too
> fast due to the NRE without them thinking it through first,
> etc. Now that we all know where we stand with one another
> and what all the boundaries and ground rules are - I feel a
> lot better about it.
> > 
> > It's been wonderful, too, because it has ignited
> my relationship with Dave, as well. I have a history of
> sexual abuse and sexual intimacy is very traumatic and
> difficult for me. We have this workbook with exercises to
> work on to slowly help us ease into things, and it started
> feeling like a chore, so we stopped doing it for a long
> time. We're getting back on the horse this evening and
> it feels really good to me that his wanting to be with K
> (the woman), makes him also want to work on being with me in
> that way again, too. 
> > 
> > I'm trying to be careful not to turn it into a
> race and push myself faster than I'm comfortable with so
> that I can, you know, get there first. I think that's an
> unhealthy goal and is based solely on my more irrational
> jealousies, so I'm trying to fight it off, but it's
> difficult. 
> > OTOH, I'm also trying to listen to my more valid
> jealousies, such as making sure my relationship with Dave
> does not change too much too fast just because they're
> all ooey-gooey NRE and can't stop thinking about one
> another! We're all trying to find a healthy balance
> between giving them the time they need together, while still
> giving us (me and him) quality time together. It's
> tricky!! 
> > 
> > Any tips, advice, stories, etc. out there for newbie
> polys going through this for the first time? 
> > 
> > -Rosemary
> > http://sophy.livejournal.com/
> > "The less I seek my source for some definitive
> > The closer I am to fine."
> > Indigo Girls
> > 
> > 
> >       
> > 
> > 
> > ------------------------------
> > 
> > _______________________________________________
> > The UUPoly-L mailing list has public archives.
> > Please keep that in mind when deciding how much to
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> > 
> > 
> > End of UUPoly-L Digest, Vol 48, Issue 11
> > ****************************************
> 
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