Re: [UUPoly-L] UUPoly-L Digest, Vol 48, Issue 11

stargazngal <stargazngal@yahoo.com> · Mon, 22 Sep 2008 12:42:33 -0000

Hi Lydia...

We are in somewhat of a similar situation.  Hubby and I had been mono for 24 years, 19 of that married.   Part of the reason we waited over 5 years to get married was that we both questioned whether monogamy was possible for humans.  At the time it never occurred to us we could be poly...marriage meant being monogamous to us.  

About a year ago or so, we started really opening up our fantasies and inner desires to each other, and decided to be poly, if the right situation arose.  I have had a boyfirend for about 3-4 months now.  It's been an amazing journey.  I've learned to deal with all sorts of emotions.  Ironically, I had more emotional issues than hubby has had.  I had to get past some self-imposed guilt, but am in a very good place with my secondary relationship at this point.   Hubby likes him and we all get together at times, and are finding a balance of alone and together time that works for all of us.  My friend is out of state, about 2+ hours away, so we don't see each other a lot, which works for all of us, even though at times I would like to see him more often.

I'm not sure I've been helpful, but wanted to say I'm going down a similar path.

Stargazngal

--- On Sun, 9/21/08, Lydia Stephens <oldhippiechick59@hotmail.com> wrote:

From: Lydia Stephens <oldhippiechick59@hotmail.com>
Subject: Re: [UUPoly-L] UUPoly-L Digest, Vol 48, Issue 11
To: uupoly-l@uupa.org
Date: Sunday, September 21, 2008, 1:27 PM

Hi,
          Thanks for the letter. I can empathize. My husband and I also are not
new to the poly concept but only within the last year have we decided to
explore. Also, my hubby has found someone and wants to be more them friends..
There is alot of nre flying around some of it involves me because hubby and the
woman are getting to know each other and they want to include me but  want time
alone too. She is not sure if she identifies as poly but is straight when both
of us are bi. They don't want to hurt me and I have alot of Jelousy etc.
from being mono for 25 years. I'm dealing with my compersion having an
internal battle with emotions left over from being mono. So, any advice ?

 l

> Hello everyone. I'm new here, and while I'm not new to the concept
of poly, I'm newly starting out practicing it. 
> My partner, Dave, and I have been together for eight years, and we both
had learned about poly and decided we were poly before getting together.
We've been mostly monogamous with one another, with the intent that if the
right person/people came around, we'd consider opening up if the
circumstances were right, etc.
> Well, we did finally find the right person, and the circumstances were
right, and now my boyfriend has another girlfriend! :)
> 
> She is totally new to poly, but very willing to do all of the reading and
research and we've spent a couple of weeks hammering out a contract that
works for all three of us. She's been a friend of ours for many years, but
she lives a few states away, so the long distance aspect does make it more
difficult. I love her in a friend/family sort of way, and am definitely
experiencing this crazy "compersion" thing that I kept reading and
hearing about for the both of them.
> 
> But of course, I'm also still feeling jealousies and insecurities.
They were very strong before we worked out the contract because a lot of my fear
was around things happening without my consent or knowledge, or happening too
fast due to the NRE without them thinking it through first, etc. Now that we all
know where we stand with one another and what all the boundaries and ground
rules are - I feel a lot better about it.
> 
> It's been wonderful, too, because it has ignited my relationship with
Dave, as well. I have a history of sexual abuse and sexual intimacy is very
traumatic and difficult for me. We have this workbook with exercises to work on
to slowly help us ease into things, and it started feeling like a chore, so we
stopped doing it for a long time. We're getting back on the horse this
evening and it feels really good to me that his wanting to be with K (the
woman), makes him also want to work on being with me in that way again, too.. 
> 
> I'm trying to be careful not to turn it into a race and push myself
faster than I'm comfortable with so that I can, you know, get there first. I
think that's an unhealthy goal and is based solely on my more irrational
jealousies, so I'm trying to fight it off, but it's difficult. 
> OTOH, I'm also trying to listen to my more valid jealousies, such as
making sure my relationship with Dave does not change too much too fast just
because they're all ooey-gooey NRE and can't stop thinking about one
another! We're all trying to find a healthy balance between giving them the
time they need together, while still giving us (me and him) quality time
together. It's tricky!! 
> 
> Any tips, advice, stories, etc. out there for newbie polys going through
this for the first time? 
> 
> -Rosemary
> http://sophy.livejournal.com/
> "The less I seek my source for some definitive
> The closer I am to fine."
> Indigo Girls
> 
> 
>       
> 
> 
> ------------------------------
> 
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> 
> End of UUPoly-L Digest, Vol 48, Issue 11
> ****************************************

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