[UUPoly-L] Responses to multiple things/people

[Rosemary Amico <sophygurl@yahoo.com>]

Wow, this is an active list! i can't always respond to things on a daily basis, so bear with me as I respond to all of the stuff that has struck a chord with me. 

Firstly, I want to thank everyone who responded to my first post. It means a lot to be welcomed. :)

Lydia, it sounds like there are a few similarities in our situations! The new person in our lives is also straight, and while we've all been friends for a long time, we're attempting to connect on a deeper friend level now. I'm bi, but we're not really into one another in that way, although we're both open to the idea if it naturally flows in that direction later on down the road.
So, there's this interesting combo of us getting closer as friends, my partner and her getting closer as more than friends, and even my partner and I getting closer to one another! 
You said "I'm dealing with my compersion having an internal battle with emotions left over from being mono. So, any advice ?"
And I dunno. Still working on balancing the compersion and the jealousy out myself. It's complicated stuff, you know??

Opensheart - I really liked the initial part of your description of the boat and the waves. It does get overwhelming sometimes! 
I'm wondering if the term you were looking for in regards to the "reflexes" would be the fight or flight response??
Asking ourselves WHY we are doing this is also a good idea, I think. For me, it builds on my own complicated eclectic philosophy of life and personal spirituality. It makes sense to me both on an intellectual and a deeply emotional level. After years of reading about poly and thinking about it and discussing it and working out what it means for me and daydreaming about how it would work when we finally got there - it's intensely rewarding for me to finally be doing it. Of course it's difficult, but I wasn't expecting it to be easy. I do believe the positives do and will continue to outweigh the negatives, and that's a big part of what keeps me going. 

Johnny seems to have opened a can of worms when he said that a need for him was to be able to make love a few times a week. 
As someone who has difficulty with sexual intimacy, and who has been in a serious relationship with someone for the past eight years, I think I have a unique perspective on some of the issue that are coming up. 

Johnny, I really appreciate the way you've expressed that this is a personal issue for you specifically. Everyone has different sexual drives and needs, as well as different relationship styles and needs, so recognizing that this is a truism for you was good for me to read. (I get a little rankled when people posit that EVERYONE needs sex regularly for a relationship to work because my relationship works just fine thank you very much despite the infrequency of sex!)
I have been really fortunate that my partner has been okay with my issues and has been very patient with me. I know not everyone would be able to be that patient no matter how much they loved the person, and I don't fault people for having that as a need. I would equally hope that others would not fault me for my struggles, or my partner for his willingness/ability to wait it out with me. 

Basically, I think it's good to recognize that we all have different levels of sexual desires and needs and that what some of us need or want isn't what all of us need or want. Some couples are actually both fine with the sexual component of the relationship dying down after many years. When the situation is different - when one is okay with it and one isn't, that's when there's an issue that needs to be resolved either by the couple working on it together or by deciding that they are no longer compatible. 

Thomas - it sounds to me like your wife has given up on having any kind of physical intimacy with you at all. Do you know what the reasons are there? Has she attempted anything besides the hormones? Psychotherapy, perhaps? Again, as someone for whom sexual intimacy is very difficult, I can understand her reluctance to work on the issue, but I doubt that she literally has no control over the situation (even if that's how she sincerely feels right now). Is there a way you can gently ask her to work with you on ways to resolve this? Possibly you could see a therapist together or even find a sex therapist who could work with you both on the specific blocks that may be in place. 

Her telling you to find what you need outside of the relationship does not sound like polyamory to me. Not that poly folk can't make that kind of arrangement, of course. Just that it doesn't sound, just from what little you've shared, that she's truly comfortable with the idea. It sounds like avoidance, a way for her to ease her guilt about not being able to give you what you need without really addressing the issue. And I suspect that if you were to begin seeing someone else, it would have a very negative impact on your relationship with your wife - because it doesn't seem like there is much communication going on between the two of you about this. 
I know this is all unsolicited advice, so ignore it if I'm coming off all wiser-than-though, and it is all just my (admittedly) biased opinions based on my own personal experiences and the tiny little bit I've read about your situation.
And I'm not saying poly is out of the question for you at all! Just ... maybe you need to work some things out between the two of you before there is a solid enough foundation to start making things even more complicated with adding in a new person.

With my own situation, I'm really happy for my partner that he's found someone who is comfortable with her sexuality and he's finally getting some sexual attention that isn't attached to huge trunks of baggage (like when we have to "work" on being sexual). I think he deserves that after all of his time with me, and his time being single before me!! But I also know that if the circumstances weren't just right - if we weren't emotionally ready for this or she wasn't so great about respecting boundaries or we weren't all friends or dozens of other important things - then I wouldn't be feeling so great about it. 
As it is, a lot of issues are coming up that we're needing to address. But if it didn't also just *feel right* to all of us, I can't imagine how distressing it would all feel. 

Anyway. Sorry if I rambled. 


-Rosemary
http://sophy.livejournal.com/
"The less I seek my source for some definitive
The closer I am to fine."
Indigo Girls