Re: [UUPoly-L] Question

["Richard Keenan" <RiKeena1@wsc.edu>]

Nice, thoughtful reaction.  Thanks for writing.
 
Richard Keenan, Ph.D.
Department of Communication 
Wayne State College
Wayne, Nebraska  68787

>>> "Catherine Deville" <catdeville@cox.net> 9/23/2008 11:21 PM >>>
Richard Keenan said: 
<<I don't think "unconditional love" is realistic>>

I, on the other hand, believe that love is either unconditional, or it isn't
truly love, it's something else.  The fact that you love someone does not
mean that you're required to endure bad behavior however.  Loving someone,
and being in relationship with them are separate things. 

I love all of my past lovers, even though I'm not currently with them.  The
fact that there was some reason for us to part paths (or "break up" as the
case may be) has pretty much nothing to do with the love that I feel with
them.  My father was an alcoholic, and emotionally abusive.  I never stopped
loving him, although I often deplored his behavior and learned at a very
early age that a person in a *healthy* relationship does not continue to
subject themselves to that kind of behavior.  Nor, if they really love and
care for the abuser, do they "enable" that person's destructive behavior. 

My own definition of love is similar to the one that Heinlein posited in
"Stranger In a Strange Land" (although it's not the same as his, since his
definition is also unhealthy/codependent.)  Heinlein said that love is that
state in which the happiness of another person is "essential to your own."
My own definition assumes that the happiness and well being of the loved one
significantly impacts your own... with an understanding that self love and
self care must form the underpinnings of all love for others.  And healthy
self love, and care and consideration for the self determines that one may
not be able to be in healthy relationship with everyone that one loves.

So while I can love without conditions... I do not conduct my relationships
without conditions, or without self protecting boundaries. The fact that I
love someone is not dependant upon their meeting conditions, indeed, often
we fall in love with those who are bad for us, who are bad for themselves,
who are very destructive or unhealthy people to love ("The heart wants, what
the heart wants," it is said.)  I can't necessarily *choose* who I love, and
sometimes I love people *despite* their flaws and failings.  

I can, however, choose who to be in relationship with.  And I do. 

NT, 
Cat

_______________________________________________
The UUPoly-L mailing list has public archives.
Please keep that in mind when deciding how much to reveal about yourself.
UUPoly-L mailing list
UUPoly-L@uupa.org 
http://www.uupa.org/mailman/listinfo/uupoly-l