Re: [UUPoly-L] Responses to multiple things/people

[Thomas <slowpilot@gmail.com>]

Rosemary:

Thank you for your comments. I think your assessment of my situation is very
accurate. My marriage may be in more trouble than I would like to admit. My
wife and I did go to see a psychologist/marriage counselor. She did not like
what she was told and never went back. We do have a communication problem
and I am not good at facing problems straight on. That being said, she has
absolutely no sex drive, does not lubricate and finds penetration very
painful (even with jelly). As I said, we have not been intimate in the last
six years and she has never even masturbated once in many years.

I guess I need to make a decision. If I want to stay married I need to shut
up and accept life as it is. If not, then I must bite the bullet and ask for
a divorce. Although being Poly sounds interesting and exciting, it seems to
be full of complications and emotional pitfalls. Perhaps I am just too
conservative. I have much to think about.

Thomas

On Tue, Sep 23, 2008 at 11:43 PM, Rosemary Amico <sophygurl@yahoo.com>wrote:

> Wow, this is an active list! i can't always respond to things on a daily
> basis, so bear with me as I respond to all of the stuff that has struck a
> chord with me.
>
> Firstly, I want to thank everyone who responded to my first post. It means
> a lot to be welcomed. :)
>
> Lydia, it sounds like there are a few similarities in our situations! The
> new person in our lives is also straight, and while we've all been friends
> for a long time, we're attempting to connect on a deeper friend level now.
> I'm bi, but we're not really into one another in that way, although we're
> both open to the idea if it naturally flows in that direction later on down
> the road.
> So, there's this interesting combo of us getting closer as friends, my
> partner and her getting closer as more than friends, and even my partner and
> I getting closer to one another!
> You said "I'm dealing with my compersion having an internal battle with
> emotions left over from being mono. So, any advice ?"
> And I dunno. Still working on balancing the compersion and the jealousy out
> myself. It's complicated stuff, you know??
>
> Opensheart - I really liked the initial part of your description of the
> boat and the waves. It does get overwhelming sometimes!
> I'm wondering if the term you were looking for in regards to the "reflexes"
> would be the fight or flight response??
> Asking ourselves WHY we are doing this is also a good idea, I think. For
> me, it builds on my own complicated eclectic philosophy of life and personal
> spirituality. It makes sense to me both on an intellectual and a deeply
> emotional level. After years of reading about poly and thinking about it and
> discussing it and working out what it means for me and daydreaming about how
> it would work when we finally got there - it's intensely rewarding for me to
> finally be doing it. Of course it's difficult, but I wasn't expecting it to
> be easy. I do believe the positives do and will continue to outweigh the
> negatives, and that's a big part of what keeps me going.
>
> Johnny seems to have opened a can of worms when he said that a need for him
> was to be able to make love a few times a week.
> As someone who has difficulty with sexual intimacy, and who has been in a
> serious relationship with someone for the past eight years, I think I have a
> unique perspective on some of the issue that are coming up.
>
> Johnny, I really appreciate the way you've expressed that this is a
> personal issue for you specifically. Everyone has different sexual drives
> and needs, as well as different relationship styles and needs, so
> recognizing that this is a truism for you was good for me to read. (I get a
> little rankled when people posit that EVERYONE needs sex regularly for a
> relationship to work because my relationship works just fine thank you very
> much despite the infrequency of sex!)
> I have been really fortunate that my partner has been okay with my issues
> and has been very patient with me. I know not everyone would be able to be
> that patient no matter how much they loved the person, and I don't fault
> people for having that as a need. I would equally hope that others would not
> fault me for my struggles, or my partner for his willingness/ability to wait
> it out with me.
>
> Basically, I think it's good to recognize that we all have different levels
> of sexual desires and needs and that what some of us need or want isn't what
> all of us need or want. Some couples are actually both fine with the sexual
> component of the relationship dying down after many years. When the
> situation is different - when one is okay with it and one isn't, that's when
> there's an issue that needs to be resolved either by the couple working on
> it together or by deciding that they are no longer compatible.
>
> Thomas - it sounds to me like your wife has given up on having any kind of
> physical intimacy with you at all. Do you know what the reasons are there?
> Has she attempted anything besides the hormones? Psychotherapy, perhaps?
> Again, as someone for whom sexual intimacy is very difficult, I can
> understand her reluctance to work on the issue, but I doubt that she
> literally has no control over the situation (even if that's how she
> sincerely feels right now). Is there a way you can gently ask her to work
> with you on ways to resolve this? Possibly you could see a therapist
> together or even find a sex therapist who could work with you both on the
> specific blocks that may be in place.
>
> Her telling you to find what you need outside of the relationship does not
> sound like polyamory to me. Not that poly folk can't make that kind of
> arrangement, of course. Just that it doesn't sound, just from what little
> you've shared, that she's truly comfortable with the idea. It sounds like
> avoidance, a way for her to ease her guilt about not being able to give you
> what you need without really addressing the issue. And I suspect that if you
> were to begin seeing someone else, it would have a very negative impact on
> your relationship with your wife - because it doesn't seem like there is
> much communication going on between the two of you about this.
> I know this is all unsolicited advice, so ignore it if I'm coming off all
> wiser-than-though, and it is all just my (admittedly) biased opinions based
> on my own personal experiences and the tiny little bit I've read about your
> situation.
> And I'm not saying poly is out of the question for you at all! Just ...
> maybe you need to work some things out between the two of you before there
> is a solid enough foundation to start making things even more complicated
> with adding in a new person.
>
> With my own situation, I'm really happy for my partner that he's found
> someone who is comfortable with her sexuality and he's finally getting some
> sexual attention that isn't attached to huge trunks of baggage (like when we
> have to "work" on being sexual). I think he deserves that after all of his
> time with me, and his time being single before me!! But I also know that if
> the circumstances weren't just right - if we weren't emotionally ready for
> this or she wasn't so great about respecting boundaries or we weren't all
> friends or dozens of other important things - then I wouldn't be feeling so
> great about it.
> As it is, a lot of issues are coming up that we're needing to address. But
> if it didn't also just *feel right* to all of us, I can't imagine how
> distressing it would all feel.
>
> Anyway. Sorry if I rambled.
>
>
> -Rosemary
> http://sophy.livejournal.com/
> "The less I seek my source for some definitive
> The closer I am to fine."
> Indigo Girls
>
>
>
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-- 
Thomas
slowpilot@gmail.com