Re: [UUPoly-L] Responses to multiple things/people

["Michael Rios" <earthfather@cfnc.us>]

> -----Original Message-----
> From: Thomas

> 
> I guess I need to make a decision. If I want to stay married I need to
> shut
> up and accept life as it is. If not, then I must bite the bullet and ask
> for
> a divorce. Although being Poly sounds interesting and exciting, it seems
> to
> be full of complications and emotional pitfalls. Perhaps I am just too
> conservative. I have much to think about.

Whether or not you attempt being poly, the relationship you describe with
your wife sounds painfully limited.  There is much joy to be had in life,
and staying with someone when that relationship significantly limits your
joy is unfair to *both* of you.

I'm one of those people who never give up on a relationship.  My marriage
ended when my then-wife said "I can never be what you need or want in a
relationship; the most loving thing I can do for you is to "cut you loose"."
At the time, I thought my world had ended; I now realize she had done the
most loving thing possible.  I'm in a wonderful, ecstatic live-in
relationship, with a third person that we are both in love with who has
decided to move in with us, and many other close friends and lovers.  The
woman who "cut me loose", ten years later is still one of my closest
friends.

The slow suffocation that I was going through before was death by a thousand
cuts.  I had to keep putting more and more effort in to get smaller and
smaller results.  To get where I am now, I went through a lot of pain, most
of it growing pains, shedding old ideas and assumptions, learning new skills
and ways of relating (especially to myself).   All that now seems trivial
compared to the joy, excitement, and discovery that happens every day for me
now.  Every effort I put out comes back to me magnified-- I have partners
who share my goals, delight in my delight, and are as committed to creating
a joyful relationship as I am.  

It reminds me of the old folk song that goes in part:
"Give me a boat that can carry two, and both shall row, my love and I."

If both people aren't rowing, one person is going to be exhausted all the
time (and the other will probably be feeling guilty!).  No fun for anyone.


Michael Rios