Re: [UUPoly-L] Responses to multiple things/people

["Susan M. Davis" <soon2bephd@gmail.com>]

Thomas - I may be late to the party on this discussion and too new to
the list to put my two cents in, but it made me sad to read that you
think you only have two options - to stay and shut up about your own
needs or leave someone you obviously care about. It sounds to me like
your voice is completely being crowded out it this relationship. It is
as though you have completely given your wife control over what
happens in the realtionship. I have seen many men do this. It is as
though they choose to take a path of least resistence in an effort to
make the other party happy. I have never met you or your wife, but I
can bet that neither one of you if very happy with the situation such
as it is.

If she is not open to counseling perhaps she would be open to getting
medically evaluated. Many times as women age their libido goes down
and the lubrication is not there because of medical issues they are
unaware they have. There have been many breakthroughs in research on
post-menapausal women's issues and she may be suffering unnecessarily.
It may be that your wife misses you sexually more than you think, but
if she is experiencing painful intercourse then she may not realize
that is the reason she avoids sexual intimacy with you for fear that
it will lead to painful intercourse again.

I too would encourage you to deal with your current reality before you
bring another person into the situation. Poly living is meant to add
to positive relationships. However, if you don't have a healthy
relationship with your current partner, it is not really fair to
either of you or to the new partner you may bring into the situation.

Be kind to yourself and your wife by bringing up your own feelings on
the situation and asking for her's. She may just be dying to talk
about it as much as you are.

Good luck.

8:55 AM, Michael Rios <earthfather@cfnc.us> wrote:
>
>
>> -----Original Message-----
>> From: Thomas
>
>>
>> I guess I need to make a decision. If I want to stay married I need to
>> shut
>> up and accept life as it is. If not, then I must bite the bullet and ask
>> for
>> a divorce. Although being Poly sounds interesting and exciting, it seems
>> to
>> be full of complications and emotional pitfalls. Perhaps I am just too
>> conservative. I have much to think about.
>
> Whether or not you attempt being poly, the relationship you describe with
> your wife sounds painfully limited.  There is much joy to be had in life,
> and staying with someone when that relationship significantly limits your
> joy is unfair to *both* of you.
>
> I'm one of those people who never give up on a relationship.  My marriage
> ended when my then-wife said "I can never be what you need or want in a
> relationship; the most loving thing I can do for you is to "cut you loose"."
> At the time, I thought my world had ended; I now realize she had done the
> most loving thing possible.  I'm in a wonderful, ecstatic live-in
> relationship, with a third person that we are both in love with who has
> decided to move in with us, and many other close friends and lovers.  The
> woman who "cut me loose", ten years later is still one of my closest
> friends.
>
> The slow suffocation that I was going through before was death by a thousand
> cuts.  I had to keep putting more and more effort in to get smaller and
> smaller results.  To get where I am now, I went through a lot of pain, most
> of it growing pains, shedding old ideas and assumptions, learning new skills
> and ways of relating (especially to myself).   All that now seems trivial
> compared to the joy, excitement, and discovery that happens every day for me
> now.  Every effort I put out comes back to me magnified-- I have partners
> who share my goals, delight in my delight, and are as committed to creating
> a joyful relationship as I am.
>
> It reminds me of the old folk song that goes in part:
> "Give me a boat that can carry two, and both shall row, my love and I."
>
> If both people aren't rowing, one person is going to be exhausted all the
> time (and the other will probably be feeling guilty!).  No fun for anyone.
>
>
> Michael Rios
>
>
>
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-- 
Susan M. Davis
soon2bephd2009