[UUPoly-L] Poly Geezers

[Norm <evolutionlemuriaatlantis@yahoo.com>]

When one examines the topic of older lovers, one must necessarily simultaneously include younger lovers. The phenomena coexist, obviously. The current names for this type of relationship are either age-gap relationship or May-December romance (May representing the spring-time like age of the younger partner and December representing the old, late season of the older partner) and these are most often categorized as relationships with at a least a ten year age difference between the partners. The older, pejorative term, dirty old man, was obviously considering a one-way dynamic.

While it is clearly evident that there are many, many men who like younger women, it is less obvious that there are many young men and women who like, and prefer, older partners. These include both hetero- and homosexual people. And there are quite a few older women who prefer younger partners, male and female.

The reasons for these attractions from the youth side of the partnership are usually stated as preferring the wisdom, calm, honesty, experience, sexual technique, communication skills and willingness to actually care for and cherish within a relationship - all of which are often lacking in young people who are not yet interested in forming a deep relationship. Frequently this disinterest is appropriate and natural; however, because society puts a negative spin on non-serious relationships (player, slut, fooling around, etc.), the resulting feelings of guilt and shame cause many to hide their true intentions. This often results in hurt to the serious partner when the non-serious partner leaves - often on the first mention of love, family, children or marriage.

The reasons for these attractions from the older side of the partnership are usually stated as preferring the vitality, freshness, openness, willingness to experience and learn, lack of emotional baggage and, in the case of women not yet in their thirties, absence of the emotional distortions and neediness generated by the biological clock issue.

Not everyone goes into every relationship looking for 'the one.' Obviously, among poly individuals, that is the case around half or more of the time. The exceptions are those looking for multiple permanent life partners. But my own - admittedly limited - experience tells me that is a minority. Often, the people in an age-gap relationship may be looking for a loving, deep relationship that will NOT lead to a permanent family situation but will serve a portion of their adult life span.

>From the younger persons perspective, this can be desirable when they are not ready to settle down into a permanent situation because they either have not finished formulating their ideas on what kind of a relationship is right for them, or perhaps because they are in career-driven mode. For the older person in the age-gap relationship, they may have had a permanent-type relationship that ended in divorce or widowhood or just disappointment. Others - admittedly a rather small minority - may have learned that a permanent relationship including sharing living quarters is just not for them. There are people who thrive on being permanently alone in terms of living arrangements, yet want a deep and loving personal partnership - with one or multiple partners - nevertheless. 

Personally, having been married, successfully raised children, and then divorced, I found this latter choice to be true for myself. And when I learned to fully accept my own desires and feelings, I found that dating women decades younger than myself is very fulfilling. As I explored this, I learned all of the above things I have said here. The biggest surprise to me was to find that there are many young women who simply are bored with young guys; they yearn for the compassion, tenderness, communication, stability, responsibility and wisdom an older man can provide. And it is certainly not surprising that a young partner can help an older person feel young, vibrant and alive in return. 

Just anecdotally, I believe age-gap relationship preference, like polyamory, may be an orientation, and not merely a choice. For those of you who are unfamiliar with this particular debate - orientation versus choice - it is identified by poly legal scholars as the fundamental problem we have in the legal system. For perspective, realtize that it was the acceptance of homosexuality as an 'inborn' orientation and not a choice that paved the way for treatment of sexual preference as a protected class under law. Polyamory, though also a sexual or perhaps relationship preference, has no legal protections of the kind that homosexuality does precisely because it is not generally accepted as an orientation. In fact, one type of polyamory - polygamy - is outlawed in the U.S. and most other countries outside the Arab world.

(I know there can be a separate debate as to whether or not polygamy or polyandry are forms of polyamory or not; but, I leave that to another time and place.)

I hope this helps some of the readers here to have a realization as to the truly wonderful nature that age-gap relationships can provide. They are not right for everyone, but for those for whom they fulfill needs, they can be truly wonderful and lasting. I also hope this helps some to let go of their negative and judgmental feelings toward those in age-gap relationships. As you can easily understand, there is no shortage of animosity in our society towards the participants in these pairings.