Re: [UUPoly-L] UUPoly-L Digest, Vol 58, Issue 4

[jodi piatt <piattjc63@yahoo.com>]

..I was on a social network this afternoon when I ran across a post from a
friend who indicated that they were infrastructure. I really don't have any
clue to what they were referring for themselves, but the term resonated with
me in so many ways, but in particular in reference to my experience of
polyamory..



I have been married to my spouse for 38 years. In the last ten years he has
been actively engaging in relationships outside our marriage. This has been
done with my knowledge and consent. I have often felt like the old
favorite blown out running shoe, that is kept because of the memories of the
places run, but keeps getting shoved farther and farther toward the back of
the closet. However, that analogy didn't really describe my poly
experience. The concept of infrastructure does..you know..



Christine,
I am a little nervous about responding to your post because so much of what I write is misunderstood, but I wanted to reach out to you with some understanding of what you are going through. 
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A little background about me. I have been with my husband for almost 8 years, we have been married for 2 years. He is 19 years my senior, although you would never know it. I am his third wife, I was not the cause of his divorce in anyway. He had been divorced for over 7 years when we met. He wasnât even living with anyone when we found each other. We are truly soul mates and neither of us can imagine being apart. He has never been monogamous, but this is the first truly open and honest poly relationship that he has ever had. I generally call myself a monogamous poly. I totally believe in the poly lifestyle but for whatever reason once I gave him my heart I have pretty much been monogamous. I just don't desire the work that relationships take and I have no desire to try out other men sexually when I feel mostly satisfied at home. 
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That being said the poly lifestyle is no cake walk (just as monogamous relationships are not easy). What I have found in part is what you have saidâ the women at home are what I call the cake and all the other relationships are the frosting and goodies on top (At least in the way in which we live the poly life). It has taken years for me to get my husband to understand that even though he has been in more relationships than we can count he is in some way very lacking in relationship and communication skills. And this is where I generally get in trouble with the poly crowd but here I go. 
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This is the way I look at it, you have to look at sex as kind of a currency in a relationship and if there is only one game in town you are going to work at the negotiations of getting and giving sex or you are going to be very sad and alone. If you are not the only game in town it is so easy to take that sexual currency where it is easily had. Since generally in relationships there is one person that is more poly/sexual/good looking/ social/ etc it must be very tempting when it becomes difficult/old/work/etc to just find someone else to have fun with and keep the old workhorse/ mother/ business partner/ etc as the infrastructure. For many women like yourself that has got to hurt. We have many times handed our life over to our husband and our children and can't compete with the new goodies in town. It's not like my husband checks to see how the others treat their children, his children, their house, their pocketbook etc. They just have to be
 yummy. It seemed to me for a long time we would get in disagreements and he would just stuff the issue and walk away. That resulted in me getting over the top angry which he then justified walking away from the argument. The stuffing on his part resulted in his not wanting to have sex with me anymore. Long story short, it has taken many discussions (heated and calm) making him understand that I was not going to sit back and be the infrastructure if he wanted me around I needed to be the frosting too and he needed to learn how to fight and/or talk about things so we could get over the issue and get back to having fun.ÂÂ

The point being I can totally see where you are coming from and you just have to decide if the relationship is working for you. I know I could not sit idly by and see all the new goodies get the attention but I also know now that your husband has tasted the poly life it would be hard to go back to a monogamous life. But, I totally get why you have no desire to get out there. So, please just take care of yourself. 
Jodi