[UUPoly-L] "Let me give you your heart's desire!"

["Christine Heinsohn" <kb4wyr@fhrd.net>]

I have spent a little time cruising the personal ads on OKCupid.  Their
marketing campaign has been more effective with their Quiver messages.  But
the cruising has like really caused me to think about things and I find I am
disgruntled.

 

So many are either, "I can be the dream man every woman desires" or "I want
this kind of woman so if you can't meet those criteria don't contact me"

 

I was in a relationship once when I was told that I didn't know how to Love
the other person and I was then instructed how that love should be
conducted.  There was an expected  model of behavior.  This was not about
acting out some role for play, this was about being role the other desired.
It was not about being desired by the other, as the other desired a body to
fulfill the role.  I was young and inexperienced then. I know I am not a
role now. 

 

The ads have provoked flashbacks to a couple of contacts I have had in the
Poly community.  One said, "Tell me your heart's desire.  Let me give you,
your heart's desire".  Another said, "I am all about making others' dreams
come true.  That's really what I am good at making others' dreams come
true."  These folks seemed to focus primarily on this form of relating.  If
you asked for their input, their wants, their desires, they brushed that off
as not important.  Both of these statements were followed by great sadness
on my part.  I couldn't understand.  Here were people trying to make me or
other people happy, why was that sad..years later...I know why now

 

For me a good relationship is based on knowing the other person and being
known by that person.  Not so I can control them and manipulate their moods,
but for the shear excitement of knowing them and being known.  In the
knowing is an acknowledgement of the uniqueness of each of us as
individuals, in the knowing is the acknowledgement of the existence of each
of us as individuals.  That's what relating is about.

 

If a relationship is based on making dreams come true or giving someone
their hearts desire, where is the recognition of EACH person's uniqueness
and where is the acknowledgement EACH person's existence.  If you are focus
is giving the other person what they want, where are you?  How are you to be
known?  If you are not known how can you  really return the favor of
knowing?

 

Maybe I am just to existential.   I may enjoy playing with roles, but I will
not live a role to make another happy.  I might ask another if they would
like to participate in an activity, but fulfilling that request will not be
a condition of my happiness.  If my happiness is based on someone else being
exactly as I want them to be I am in need of therapy.  If my happiness is
based on someone giving me my dreams, my dreams are not worth much and they
are not mine any longer.  And again, I am need of therapy.

 

Thanks for letting me vent.

 

Christine Heinsohn