Re: [UUPoly-L] "Let me give you your heart's desire!"

["Pete Benson" <petebenson@starpower.net>]

I know whereof you speak, Christine.  My first wife was such a master at 
squelching her own desires for the sake of pleasing me that (in my youthful 
naïveté at the time) I had no idea she was doing so.  She didn't *say* she 
"just wanted to please me"; I considered that we were 100% compatible, 
because no disagreement was ever expressed.  Then as now, I have had no 
desire to be controlling nor controlled in a relationship.  But it was only 
after she left me, after 8 years of marriage and 2 children, that I inferred 
that she must have had some dissatisfactions with our relationship.  I never 
did learn *what* those dissatisfactions were, because she couldn't bring 
herself to tell me even then -- so needness to say there was no opportunity 
to try to resolve them.

I have come to call this personality type the "chameleon".

While there's plenty of room for personal preferences in relationships, I 
agree with you that any relationship, to be healthy, has to include a give 
and take of desires and open expression of one's own feelings, of "knowing 
and being known", as you put it.

Pete Benson
The Polyamory Handbook
www.polyamoryhandbook.com

----- Original Message ----- 
From: "Christine Heinsohn" <kb4wyr@fhrd.net>
To: <KanPoly@yahoogroups.com>; <OKPoly@yahoogroups.com>; 
<harp@yahoogroups.com>; <uupoly-l@uupa.org>; <mwpoly@yahoogroups.com>; 
<wnypoly@yahoogroups.com>
Sent: 5 June, 2009 3:02 PM
Subject: [UUPoly-L] "Let me give you your heart's desire!"


> I have spent a little time cruising the personal ads on OKCupid.  Their
> marketing campaign has been more effective with their Quiver messages. 
> But
> the cruising has like really caused me to think about things and I find I 
> am
> disgruntled.
>
>
>
> So many are either, "I can be the dream man every woman desires" or "I 
> want
> this kind of woman so if you can't meet those criteria don't contact me"
>
>
>
> I was in a relationship once when I was told that I didn't know how to 
> Love
> the other person and I was then instructed how that love should be
> conducted.  There was an expected  model of behavior.  This was not about
> acting out some role for play, this was about being role the other 
> desired.
> It was not about being desired by the other, as the other desired a body 
> to
> fulfill the role.  I was young and inexperienced then. I know I am not a
> role now.
>
>
>
> The ads have provoked flashbacks to a couple of contacts I have had in the
> Poly community.  One said, "Tell me your heart's desire.  Let me give you,
> your heart's desire".  Another said, "I am all about making others' dreams
> come true.  That's really what I am good at making others' dreams come
> true."  These folks seemed to focus primarily on this form of relating. 
> If
> you asked for their input, their wants, their desires, they brushed that 
> off
> as not important.  Both of these statements were followed by great sadness
> on my part.  I couldn't understand.  Here were people trying to make me or
> other people happy, why was that sad..years later...I know why now
>
>
>
> For me a good relationship is based on knowing the other person and being
> known by that person.  Not so I can control them and manipulate their 
> moods,
> but for the shear excitement of knowing them and being known.  In the
> knowing is an acknowledgement of the uniqueness of each of us as
> individuals, in the knowing is the acknowledgement of the existence of 
> each
> of us as individuals.  That's what relating is about.
>
>
>
> If a relationship is based on making dreams come true or giving someone
> their hearts desire, where is the recognition of EACH person's uniqueness
> and where is the acknowledgement EACH person's existence.  If you are 
> focus
> is giving the other person what they want, where are you?  How are you to 
> be
> known?  If you are not known how can you  really return the favor of
> knowing?
>
>
>
> Maybe I am just to existential.   I may enjoy playing with roles, but I 
> will
> not live a role to make another happy.  I might ask another if they would
> like to participate in an activity, but fulfilling that request will not 
> be
> a condition of my happiness.  If my happiness is based on someone else 
> being
> exactly as I want them to be I am in need of therapy.  If my happiness is
> based on someone giving me my dreams, my dreams are not worth much and 
> they
> are not mine any longer.  And again, I am need of therapy.
>
>
>
> Thanks for letting me vent.
>
>
>
> Christine Heinsohn