Re: [UUPoly-L] Tiger "poly"?? (was: Poly in the news)

["Emily M.-R. B." <greystone.house@pacbell.net>]

Desmond Ravenstone wrote:  "Polyamory and monogamy are both about 
responsibility and integrity."

Thank you; exactly!

I have to admit that the argument that says that ignorance of extant 
alternatives is an excuse for unethical behavior & betrayal of trust does 
not sit well with me.

I do recognize that people make mistakes, and make decisions for the wrong 
reasons, and fall victim to denial, and so on.  (Gods know I've done so 
myself on more than a few occasions!)  But there has to be a limit to what 
should & can be accepted, and for me that line lies in the difference 
between understanding and excusing.  To excuse is to enable, and it is 
ultimately to the detriment of everyone involved, because it solves nothing. 
In this case, to excuse Tiger Woods' dishonesties and to attempt to claim 
him for the polyamorous community smacks unpleasantly of a kind of celebrity 
worship based in insecurity.  (It's an oddly modern expression of insecurity 
that says that we aren't a valid community unless we can claim a few 
celebrity members, imo....)

On the other hand, the poly community can offer a degree of understanding, 
and perhaps resources to learn better ways of living non-monogamously.  Yes, 
many of us have made poor or unethical choices along the way, and the 
accumulated wisdom of the poly community regarding such things as honesty & 
communication is in no small part a result of those experiences.  However, 
that same experience-based wisdom should simply underscore the un-wisdom of 
excusing a history of unethical actions, because that is a course of action 
likely to simply perpetuate the behaviors by giving them tacit acceptance. 
(And surely that is not the image we, as a community, wish to have in the 
public eye?  Particularly when it appears to be a result of an attempt to 
bask in the reflected glory, however tarnished, of celebrity?)

So I, for one, have no interest in claiming Tiger Woods as polyamorous until 
he has a track record of acting in accordance with the commonly accepted 
values of *ethical* non-monogamy.